There Isn’t Much To Say

So, I talked to her. Finally.

I know I waited like 2 weeks to do it, but I’ve been so bombarded by homework and other things that roommate issues have been the last thing on my mind. I also wanted to see if anything would change or if her behaviour would stay the same, just to absolutely make sure.

Anyway, I asked her if anything was bothering her and if there was anything I was doing that annoyed her and simply “no” to both. She acted calm and normal, no mean or cold tones to her voice, and said she would tell me if anything was on her mind. She isn’t afraid of confrontation and I guess that’s a good thing because then she’ll be blunt and honest, but it still doesn’t mean something about me isn’t putting her off. I tried joking around that I got paranoid about such things and that I didn’t want there to be anything wrong, telling her how dumb my bathroom mates from first year residence were because they just couldn’t tell me to my face if they had problems with me (I heard them talking about me in the bathroom sometimes). What I meant to say to her instead was that I didn’t want there to be any conflict in the house and that things should be kept out in the open, but it didn’t come out. Now I probably shouldn’t have went on about it like I did, but I was just trying to set a friendly mood. I figured she would say nothing was wrong when I talked to her.

But of course, I still have the distinct feeling that she isn’t overly fond of me (maybe dislike is a bit extreme here) as she truly has been talking to me less and doesn’t really carry on a conversation if I say something to her. Luckily, of course, she is civil and nice enough…but we just don’t talk much or hang out. Which is fine with me. If she’s going to be distant like that then there’s no use pushing at her, I am and will continue to act in same way towards her. Ultimately, we probably just don’t connect very well and she might find some of the ways I do or say things odd to her. She isn’t the first to act all warm to me for a little bit at first and than just stop; it just gets old after awhile when this continually happens and isn’t the best of things when living together. But I’m used to it.

It’s true, I haven’t initiated a lot of conversations with her, and after the “getting to know you” info was already covered, our talks started falling short. Indeed, I feel like I don’t really have much to talk about with her and never really did. She would always carry on the conversation. We don’t have a lot in common. I was just hoping in the beginning that we’d be friends and everyone would get along and all would be great, it seemed that way at first but it doesn’t always last.

Well, I’m certain things will stay as they are now and there really isn’t much to be done about it. I thank you guys for the advice and thanks for reading this. I’m probably making a bigger deal out of this than I should be and it has been circulating through my mind for awhile now (this worrying thing of mine has got to slow down haha), it’s just when you live with people it can be tougher to put it behind you.

I just wish I could find somebody I really connected with and we’d have great fun together, but that’s always been so difficult for me. The house I stay in now just feels so lonely and cut off and I was really looking forward to, really believing that wouldn’t happen. I dealt with it to a degree last year, but it wasn’t so bad because my former roommate and me were friends and she wasn’t so close to the other girls either and sometimes all 5 of us would get together for a bit. Now it’s just me and whenever there’s that get together, I don’t feel so welcome to join it.

It’s a really stressful time right now, not just because of this, and it’s not easy to deal with. Stress has never been good for me.

The Wanderer

She is like a river, never steady
She moves from place to place, person to person
Never staying long
For she is a wanderer…

I am a wanderer. Nothing and no one ever stays in my life for long. They come and go like the tide. One moment they are here, the next they are gone. They never stay long enough for me to really become grounded. By the time I am beginning, it is already too late. And then I miss them forever.

You see, I’ve just found out that my new roommate doesn’t like me. Now she didn’t come out and say this to me or even really hint at it in any way until today (or maybe late last week). And you know what, it really hurts. It was something totally out of the blue and unexpected, like a big slap in the face, and it’s no wonder I’m so sensitive about it right now. I know I should probably brush this off and move on with my life and not care what she thinks (and eventually I probably will), but that’s quite difficult when you have to live with her for the rest of the year and this happened out of nowhere when things were just getting started.

And things started out so well, too. She was so friendly and seemed like she liked talking to me and during the first week we’d just hang around in the kitchen long after food was finished still talking and laughing. We watched Supernatural and ate brownies. I went for a walk and she told me after she’d wanted to go (though I didn’t think to ask her initially) and I promised we would at some point. Then last week she seemed a bit more distant but she still seemed ok with talking to me and asked me for my opinion on things and such. But, I went home this past weekend and it’s as though everything’s changed. We have awkward silences. She doesn’t speak to me directly unless with the other roommates together. She doesn’t say hi or goodbye. When I came back from class at lunchtime today, she was sitting at the table and didn’t even turn around to acknowledge me (I said hi to her). But she is her normal, cheerful self with my other roommates, laughing and having long conversations with them. I just don’t understand what happened. This is technically the first time where someone truly out of nowhere decides they want nothing to do with me. Usually it’s a gradual process of people drifting away for whatever reason. So, I’m just so mind-bogglingly confused on this one.

Two of the roommates I live with are not my friends and she is quickly befriending them and so it’s possible they told her things about me that aren’t necessarily true and she’s put off by it. They don’t want her to be my friend (and how immature is that!). But I don’t understand why those two would be spiteful towards me now when for all of last year they were completely civil and we got along in our own way. Sure, I felt left out sometimes when they’d all go out and not invite me, but ultimately I was comfortable living in the house we all share. They did their own thing and I did mine. There was never any conflict. Or maybe new roommate has become irritated with weird habits I may possess or how I talk or something and so she’s going to act cold towards me so she doesn’t have to deal with me. It’s really hard to say right now and I think I may hold out for a few more days and then I probably will have to speak to her and see what problem she has with me. I’d like to think I’m a good roommate; I don’t steal her food, I don’t leave messes around, I don’t go into anyone’s things, I don’t interrupt her, I don’t knock on her door all the time. Basically, I leave her alone as much as I can.

Sigh. But it gets to me because things like this have happened so many times and I don’t know how to stop them. Just as things seem to be going great with a friend or acquaintance, they up and leave without warning. And I’ve never been able to find or figure out the exact reasons why. One time in high school when this happened, I did learn from a girl who was still friends with the girl who ended ties with me why she didn’t like me anymore and it had something to do with being stressed over a project we were working on. That was the dumbest thing I ever heard and apparently this girl didn’t give the one who told me the real reason she cared so little about me. It’s obviously a problem with me as this happens with different kinds of people. I just can’t pinpoint what it is about me that makes people run for their lives as it were. There are a million different answers I could come up with, but who knows if they’re all true. I swear if I’d been the kind of girl who had a string of boyfriends, our relationships would’ve only lasted a few months and it probably would always be them who would break up with me. There is only one instance where I’ve ended a friendship with someone. One.

It’s funny really. My first couple weeks back at school were actually pretty great. I was making new acquaintances. School, though daunting, seemed like something I could handle. My house was peaceful and I had been looking forward to my new roommate coming, getting only good vibes from her at first. I was having a lot of fun with other friends. I was feeling confident. Me, confident! I felt assured, like I could take on the world and that this year would be great! But, well, sadly that wasn’t meant to last. Not all things can be good, something has to go wrong and I guess it was this.

And so, that’s why I’m labelling myself the wanderer right now. I don’t know where to go or what to do but keep moving. I’ll go in and out of peoples’ lives and just have to accept the fact I’ll never be able to stick around. It’s draining and it’s restless. But I don’t have much of a choice. It’s better that than to have no one at all. One day, I will stop wandering and become lost, stuck, with no idea where to turn next. It’s a vicious cycle and I’ve tried a million times to break free of it, but it always comes back and pulls me in.

How do I get out for good?

And The Tide Turns Over Again

That’s right, school is back in session, and you know what that means – a mountain of essays I’ll have to climb up pretty soon. I have a vendetta against essays. They are my worst enemy. Especially research papers.

Anyway, since I last posted, honestly nothing much has happened. About the most exciting thing I did was pack up and get ready for school, oh and finish my summer job. Things with Mr. Perfect have been stagnant. He’s returned from his army training and we did speak once over MSN after he got back, but that was about 2 or 3 weeks ago now. He asked me outright about the whole liking him situation and I think he’s finally accepted that I only have friendship feelings towards him. Now he can move on and try to find another potential girlfriend. I think the two of us will remain friends as he said he enjoyed my friendship anyways. I do not know yet when we will meet up again, but hopefully soon as it would be fun to hear his army stories. Otherwise, there is nothing else noteable on the boy front.

Fall has almost begun and with it comes a melancholy but calming sort of feeling. This season has always felt like that for me, kind of like an ending but also the start of a new beginning. Who knows what this school year will have in store for me (besides never-ending homework). New friends. New adventures. Maybe even a new, real relationship. I’d like to be hopeful that these will happen, but I don’t know for sure. Things could very well stay the same as they are now. But I’d rather they didn’t. Guess I’ll just have to find out.

Lying Low For Awhile

I’ve decided not to speak to Mr. Perfect about my lack of feelings for him and everything that is between us until he returns from army training in a couple of weeks. We didn’t end up meeting up with each other before he left and when we were talking about it I think he was disappointed because I couldn’t make time to see him (well…that’s not true, I could’ve but decided working late was a good excuse). We agreed on definitely getting together when he returned but it still was half-hearted when he said goodbye and signed off for the night.

We haven’t spoken since he went away as he hasn’t been online much due to it. I figured it would be more courteous and respectful of his feelings to talk to him about the dating stuff in person, and though it will probably be very uncomfortable for the both of us, it needs to be done. MSN just doesn’t really seem appropriate to be doing that. So, I’ll just leave things as they are as I doubt we’ll talk much in the next few weeks and basically lay low for awhile.

Other than that, my life is about as interesting as a snail’s. I work and go home and that’s about it. Two of my friends, however, decided to take a week-long trip to the States this week and I’m very jealous! I couldn’t go with them due to lack of funds, you know. Sigh, everyone is going at least somewhere to vacation and relax this summer and I’ve been nowhere! I did (and still do) have a lot of time off work but no money and no transportation not to mention no interesting places to go in the city I live in which really don’t leave much for me to spend my time off. Sitting by the pool and reading is the best I can think of, but even that gets old after awhile. I want to DO something! Sighh, when I graduate school and get a real job than I’m planning a great holiday.

Just Friends?

Things with me and Mr. Perfect haven’t really progressed anywhere since I last wrote about him, or at least they haven’t with me. I still don’t feel any different towards him. I really haven’t thought of him that often and don’t feel a longing to see what he will talk about, what he’s doing, or where he is. I don’t feel enamoured of his affections for me (I sound like Jane Austen here!). Simply, I cannot think of him beyond anything as a friend. And that’s ok.

But there is a problem.

Though we agreed on being friends and we even hung out once, chatting away at Starbucks after the dates had ended, it is apparent that he still likes me. And I think his feelings have grown.

He messaged me the next day after we hung out that every time he sees me, he starts liking me even more. He went on about how he feels incredibly excited to meet with me each time and I told him that was very sweet, but I insisted we continue to stay friends. He agreed, understanding that it was good to give it time and keep things as uncomplicated as possible. I told him I want to like him and there was a chance feelings on my end could develop, but I just stupidly gave him false hope. Now he probably thinks I’m going to fall for him at some point and then we’ll start dating and so on and so forth. I don’t want that to happen.

For the last couple of weeks he’s been busy with work and travelling to visit family in the U.S., so our conversations have been normal, joking, and friendly, and the subject of romantic attraction hasn’t really been approached again. But then, especially in our most recent chats, he’ll say that he misses me or playfully ask if I miss him too. I evade the question by saying I miss talking to him or I’ll just laugh. He says he wants to see me once he returns from the U.S. this weekend and I reluctantly agreed, maybe only to make him happy. Whether we meet up for sure remains to be seen. Work may just come in handy for an excuse because I’m afraid if we were to see each other again, he’d bring up the subject of feelings. If we don’t meet up, I can tell he’ll be saddened by that as he is going away for 3 weeks to complete army training and then we wouldn’t hang out until the end of August. He’s implied he doesn’t want to wait that long.

I think the false hope is pushing him forward. At the end of our last conversation he told me “good night cutie” and I felt put off by that. He is still as romantically shy around me as ever, but that must be partly do to our “friends” status and I think he’s trying to break through that. He can’t see that just being friends isn’t going to lead to a relationship for us. I only want us to be friends. I like his friendship. He’s fun and outgoing and would make a great person to have such a lighthearted friendship with. But with the way he feels towards me that won’t be possible. I know I do have to talk to him about this and will have to dash his hopes once and for all. It won’t be easy and he will be hurt but he should also understand that where we are right now isn’t dating. Would it be best to lose all contact with him for awhile? Let him sort out his feelings on his own and then maybe, if he no longer has feelings for me, we can try being just friends?

If that cannot happen, then I will be sorry to stop talking to him but will remember that we had a fun time together while it lasted. He brought some intrigue into my summers often filled with boredom. So, ultimately, I don’t have a great desire to see him again, especially with these complications between us, but if things were to settle, hanging out would be fine and dandy.

I’ve come to an acceptance that I cannot force myself to like him or date him for the sake of dating him. It was turning into that with the Ex and I could forsee the difficulties we would’ve had if we’d stayed together much longer. I imagine it would be worse with Mr. Perfect because he is more into me. It would hurt him and I’d be miserable for the entirety of the relationship. It’s like knocking into a brick wall; I literally CAN’T go after someone I’m not interested in. And that reaction in me is a good thing. And so, I am fine with things as they are now, but will he be?

How Can Mr. Perfect Still Not Be The One?

I am now bestowing the name Mr. Perfect onto Brownie. He’s good-looking, nice, polite, respectful, confident, and perhaps even understanding. He is easy and comfortable enough to talk to and at times he can be pretty funny. I never felt awkward or stiff around him. And he genuinely liked me and was the kind of guy, being shy with girls as he admitted he was, who would probably take things slow and acknowledge that it would be scary and new for me too. So why does he not ignite a fire within my soul? Why did he not strike me, excite me? Why could I not think of him beyond anything but a potential good friend? Because for the last month that we’ve spent getting to know each other, “liking him” really hasn’t developed for me. The more I talked to him and saw him, the more I thought about how he’d be a cool friend to have, someone to do fun things with when other friends weren’t around or to have conversations with that I wouldn’t necessarily have with others. While physical attraction can take time to grow, I would’ve thought a deeper emotional connection would’ve developed quicker, you know the kind that goes a little further than friendship, where the partner’s words would reel you in and you can talk about anything and having that feel “right”. I’ve had better connections with some new friends in about the same amount of time than with him. But it is possible such a connection could only grow as we got to know each other more right?

I just got back from a third date with him. We walked along the lakefront path, had ice cream and ate dinner at a restaurant there, just like on the second date this past Monday minus the ice cream and having lunch there instead of dinner. Each date itself was nice and I really enjoyed them; they were relaxing and calm and the kind of dates I like to go on. We talked a lot and he gave me my space, as in the physical contact we had was limited to hugging when we said goodbye or him touching my shoulders when he guided me to look at something; I didn’t mind that at all and respected him for it. Though at times I did get a little bored because we only really talked about superficial things and while those can be great, I just felt like we talked about the same things over and over again and I had hoped instead that somewhat deeper conversations would’ve presented themselves after awhile. Maybe it had to do with his nervousness around me and for that I can understand, though before I brought up the topic of past dating experiences, I wouldn’t have guessed he was nervous. Strangely enough, I didn’t feel nervous around him at all and I don’t know if that means anything or not, but I wasn’t anticipating him either. It just felt like “hanging out”.

At the very end of the date, before he could’ve kissed me or anything like that, I told him how I didn’t really like him in that way and he seemed ok with it, or so he said (he did tell me he was glad I told him when I did; I wouldn’t want to lead him on). I suggested we could be friends and he said “alright” and that we’d talk on MSN and stuff, but I think I did hurt him because I think he really wanted it to work and he was looking for a serious relationship. I feel bad about that as I am technically looking for the same thing, but with him I had a hard time imagining it. It was no effort at all, so natural, for me not to think of him during the span of time between our dates. I sort of forgot he was there. We’d talk on MSN every now and again but I wouldn’t wait on him to sign on and was like “meh” when he was or when were chatting. That’s how I felt when we’d started out with the emails: fun to read and reply to but didn’t really pull me in or anything, but that’s probably how it usually starts, maybe, I don’t know. We messaged for a good three weeks before meeting and talked on MSN enough between the dates, yet conversation never left small talk until a bit today. But again, that could be due to his nerves. I guess what I’m wondering is, did I do the right thing? I stayed true to what I felt in the moment and came out and told him so, but I’m pondering whether I should’ve held on longer and waited to see if more of a connection developed between us, only because he was nervous and deeper things may not have had a chance to crop up yet.

Mr. Perfect is basically everything I could want in a guy. Though he may not be the sweetest person ever, he seems like the type who’d bring me more out in the open but understand my need to keep a certain level of privacy too, unlike the Ex. It’s incredible that someone like that even likes me! I am flattered by that but feel so apathetic about being with him romantically. I don’t know what’s wrong with me! I should like him, should go after him and try again, should start “seeing him” and see where it goes, but there’s a wall stopping me and I don’t feel like it’s a fear of getting hurt or that I’m not good enough for him because I honestly didn’t feel those things around him. I didn’t question why he liked him, just knew it was there. And I let him get away. What happens if I start pining after him and then it’s too late? (Actually, I don’t think I’ve ever liked anyone enough to do that lol…I’ve never liked anybody strongly for that matter, save somewhat more than usual for the Ex). I allowed him to walk away, but will that bother me? Right now it doesn’t, but maybe I haven’t yet realised what I could be missing. I’m just utterly confused right now because what if expectations got in the way again even though I really tried not to let them.

How can a dream guy, the image of perfection, not be the one for me? (I don’t mean “the one” as in soulmate or the guy I’ll marry but someone to have a real relationship with where my heart is in it). I didn’t want to go further since I vowed to myself I wouldn’t do it for the “idea” and also for not hurting the other person involved, so if they didn’t strike me emotionally or whatever in the dating stage then it was time to let it go and I did just that. I’d feel like I was leading him on if I did more. I don’t know if that will turn out to be a mistake though, only because he is shy around girls, hasn’t dated much before, and may not be comfortable pushing on yet, and I can relate to all that, but any more dates and than it becomes “dating”. I really shouldn’t be second guessing myself but that’s what I do. I overthink way too much! These thoughts muddle around in my head forever. Perhaps it’s best I sort them out first and then decide if I should give him another shot, that is, if he is willing as well.

I guess I’m afraid that I won’t find another guy like him, one who’s every girl’s dream. But this recent dating experience has taught me something; guys who haven’t dated much before; sincere, nice, sweet guys who don’t already have girlfriends; guys who aren’t forward, but respectful and understanding, aren’t so rare as I thought. Another guy like this, the one for me to be with, the one who will strike me, may still be out there yet. And I will find him. As long as I don’t miss it and he ends up being a woulda shoulda coulda.

Try, Try Again

I just got back from a date with the guy I mentioned in my last post. I wasn’t really intent on calling it a date and it was very casual. I’m going to nickname him Brownie as he is of brown skin colour and I honestly can’t think of a better name lol. Anyway, the date itself was alright; we went to my local ice cream parlour and had a couple of ice creams (which I’d say was the highlight!), and as any nice guy would, he payed for them. It was pouring rain outside so we really couldn’t go anywhere, so we resorted to staying inside the place and just chatted for a couple of hours. It was just the usual small talk and everyday things, and while I prefer deeper conversations, those are good enough for an informal first date\meeting. It was enjoyable enough, but there were a few awkward silences and I was getting kind of bored after awhile. I think he was a bit too but he seemed to want to stick around.

Brownie is a very attractive guy and we had a nice enough time, but I’m not sure if he’s someone who sticks out in my mind. He does want to see me again and I agreed that the next time I was off work, like in a week or so (full-time job!) we’d get together again. I wouldn’t mind doing that, if only to get to know him more. He is genuinely gentleman-like which I admire and is an active, positive sort of person, and having someone like that around could hopefully rub off on me lol. The only little qualm I have about him is that he laughs like a hyena that’s inhaled helium, but I could live with that. There really isn’t much else to say about him other than that’s he’s a nice guy and as we hopefully chat more online and see each other again, the more I’ll learn about him and then can decide whether I’m truly interested or not. That is, as long as he saves his interest for me. I felt comfortable with him and he was easy to talk to and I didn’t feel like I was feigning or forcing, in other words I was being myself, but I guess I could’ve acted more interested and depending on how observant he is, he may’ve thought I was standoffish which I was trying hard not to be. But little things like eye movements and sitting position can give that away, which hopefully he can overlook. But who knows for sure right now.

The thing is, I just didn’t feel all that excited about him, even when emailing each other I didn’t care if he took days to respond and I wasn’t dying to see what he’d written. And while I was nervous about meeting him for the first time today, I didn’t feel a sense of anticipation and with him it was just like chatting to a coworker. Perhaps I’m keeping a guard up or having too many expectations about what all this is supposed to be like. Or again maybe I’m just scared of what could be. So I think the next time I see him I’m going have to be a little more open and let things flow as they should. And if after a few more dates and nothing changes and the exhilaration doesn’t come, then I’ll let things go, but if it does spark than things in my love life will look up for me. First things first, I need to rid myself of the expectation that I won’t be interested and actually allow myself to feel and try to be. I know it’s rare for me to be actually attracted to a guy, but maybe this expectation is what has been fueling it, but I don’t know for sure. All I can do is let it loose and try. That’s what it’s all about!

Who Knows

Well, I took a dive into the online dating pool once again, and instead of coming across creepy old men, horny guys looking for one-night stands, or other guys who just up and disappear on you unexpectedly, I think I’ve actually met a decent guy who may stick around. Now I surf around free dating sites and maybe most of the paid ones have better reputations, but a diamond in the ruff may have let itself be shown. Me and this guy have been emailing each other for the last few weeks and or so and it’s been really good so far. Our emails are quite lengthy and he actually asked to meet me for coffee one day which I think we’ll be doing next week. I do want to meet him and things should keep working out; email is a good way to get to know someone.

He is 22, so not much older than me, and Middle Eastern which is cool as well. He is fairly good looking and, though English isn’t his first language, he is quite articulate. Frankly, he looks so much more mature than a 22-year-old, like he’s 30 or something. I’m really wondering to see what he’s like in person. And he doesn’t live miles away from me for once and is studying to be an engineer which must mean he’s got some brains in his head! Though if he’s anything like my ex who is just lasy and doesn’t bother to do their work, then well, there’s not much to say about that. Anyway, he seems very nice and I was flattered when he said he really liked talking to me.

His emails are slow in coming, sometimes days apart, which I don’t mind because mine are too (again I get lasy to get back to people right away, heh) but I really really really hope he isn’t going to disappear off the face of the earth like other guys. Just when the conversation gets good, they run away. I don’t know if it’s something about me or what, but technically it could be anything. If he does disappear, then I’m swearing off online dating for a long time because I don’t want to deal with more disappearing acts; if he doesn’t, I’ll be quite happy indeed. Just have to wait and see, I’d really like someone to break that trend for once. If all this does come to play, then I’m not going to keep my hopes skyrocketing high, just level enough to move from one stage to the next slowly and see where it goes. I am not hoping he’ll be my boyfriend or anything like that (that’s way too far ahead to be thinking about and plus I don’t yet know if I’m attracted to him), at the moment he is just someone fun to talk to and if we do meet maybe I’ll have gained a friend. But only time tells, so who knows.

Miss Dependent

I just got back from a funeral wake. It was one of those where everyone gathers around in cheerful, bright spirits, you know, the ones where an older person dies and people have accepted that it was just their time to go. Anyway, it was held in honour of a great uncle of mine who I really don’t remember but I thought it’d be a nice gesture to accompany my dad to it after he asked me to.

He was described as an overbearing, loud, dominant man, always on the ball (funny…his last name was Ball) and ready for an adventure. He certainly looked the part; bald, beer gut, an imposing smile on his face, and always doing something wacky or another in a photo. I distinctly recall him being somewhat obnoxious now that I think about it. His wife, on the other hand, is a sweet, endearing woman who doesn’t draw much attention to herself yet gives everyone the time of day. This man, my great uncle, was my great aunt’s whole world. She did everything for him. She took care of him and stayed by his side when he was suffering from poor health. She catered to his every whim. So, really, she had little in the way of a life of her own as she was expected to put him first. And that’s what she did. She was the traditional wife one hasn’t seen much of since the 50’s. And though I know it must’ve been heartbreaking to lose her husband, it may bring a kind of relief to her that she can now live out the rest of her days in the way she wants to. Or so I’ve heard as my dad and cousin discussed this.

But it really got me thinking: how could you be so dependent upon someone for what must be 40+ years and allow their life to basically become yours too? I don’t think I’d be able to do what she did, be that kind of submissive wife who could only do what her husband thought it appropriate for her to do. Maybe it’s modern thinking, but that kind of role doesn’t really suit well anymore. I couldn’t be with someone who’d tell me what to do all the time. There’d need to be equal footing with the opportunity still there to build by own life. A relationship is about sharing, sharing your own lives together, not becoming “one” so you can’t distinguish between the two. Maybe my dear great aunt settled as she thought that was what was best for her. I’m sure they shared a wonderful life together and beyond but, I do know one thing, I couldn’t rely on a husband to support me in everything like she did. Existence is your own, and when someone comes along, you bring those two worlds together but with the freedom to explore them independently and in the way that ultimately suits you as an individual. For that’s who we all are!

The Cacoon

You know how there are some couples out there who are so stuck within the cornicopia of their relationship it’s like nothing else exists outside of it?

Well, I know a pair like that: My roommate, who happens to be a long time good friend, and her boyfriend are so lost in love that I feel she is beginning to slip away. They’ve been dating for nearly 9 months now and you know what’s funny, I barely know him. Actually, that goes with the rest of our friends too; no one’s been given the chance to have a real conversation with him because they never come out. He’s tagged along on some outings, but they haven’t been ones good for a lot of talking. But, mostly, it’s like he never wants to come and so my friend will often just resort to staying by his side rather than join everyone else, even without him. Whenever he comes over, they just go straight to her bedroom and close the door, and I and the rest of my housemates take that as a sign that they don’t want to be disturbed, even though she’s said we can come visit them in her room anytime. But I’d feel odd just knocking on her door and barging in, so I haven’t really much. I get the feeling that if she really welcomed us, the door would be open or they’d come out and about the house too.

I could be wrong but I don’t think isolating yourself in a relationship like that is the best of things to do. Whenever her boyfriend calls, which is like 20 million times a day, my friend always runs to her room, no matter if we were all doing something fun or whatever, and shuts her door and doesn’t come out for quite a long time. It’s great that she’s found someone she’s happy being with and she loves him but should that love not be more…open to other things once in a while too? What I mean is, I think they should join in with friends too. I’d really like to actually get to know him for he seems like a pretty cool person. He’s great for her to be honest. They have similar personalities, have a number of common interests, and are just genuinely serious about each other. She deserves someone to be there for and take of her.

Though I never imagined she’d be like the caterpillar that doesn’t want to leave the safety of its cacoon. She is an extremely private person, independent, and not one to be overly emotional, as far as I know. See, that’s another thing, as long as I’ve known her, I don’t really know her, because she never reveals how she feels about anything. So it seems strange to me that she’d be so caught up in all things love and hearts and romance when I thought she’d be kind of the opposite with a guy. Doing things on her own time with him when it suited her rather than the other way around. And so, I and the rest of our friends have been noticing her ebb away; times we’ve hung out have been few and far between, I can’t even recall watching movies with her like I did so much last year in res, before she started dating. I don’t know if I can or should get her to wake up to what’s happening around her because it really is for her to figure out and she might take it the wrong way if I do.

I just hope she realises what she’s getting into before it’s too late, though what “late” is is hard to say, for people don’t give up on her easily. Nonetheless, it’s best she breaks free of that cacoon and learns to fly a little instead of being cooped up forever.