It’s about time I gave you all an update on the progress of my relationship.

So far, things are going pretty well with the boyfriend and I. We’ve been dating a month and a half and we aren’t the worse for wear. It still feels new, exciting and at times a little scary but it’s working. It doesn’t feel weird to call him “boyfriend” anymore and we’re progressing at a good pace that I like (probably because we don’t see each other that much, haha). He’s really everything I could want – sweet, funny, caring, understanding, and cute of course! It’s just…perfect.

The one drawback is that we don’t get to see each other very often. We both go to different universities in different cities and when we go home on the weekends, he lives in the next city over, nearly half an hour away from my hometown. Plus neither of us owns a car, so it makes it that much harder to get together for a good amount of time. We see each other about once every weekend, going on the traditional dates of movies and dinner so far. It’s been really nice; the conversations, the cuddling, the kissing… (although maybe we both need to work on that lol). When we’re not face-to-face, talking on the phone occurs for hours at a time as well as lengthy MSN chats and the odd text here and there. Despite the fact that we’re in a long distance relationship, I think it’s going rather well for the time being. We have a lot of fun talking and sweet things to say, so it covers the geographical separation between us.

I feel very comfortable around him, though the nervousness of progressing to the next level if you will is always there, but I’ll get to that in a minute. Usually with guys, my natural instinct of unapproachability turns on and it steers them away or I run away. But with him, those inclinations are significantly lessened as I feel I don’t need to leave, the obvious reason being that I like him a lot, enjoy his company, as he does with me. However, those feelings still remain and take hold more often than I care to admit. And it’s very noticeable. But, luckily and thankfully, he is patient and willing to wait as I open up more and gain more confidence in the relationship sphere.

Except it’s doubtful he’ll remain so forgiving for long.

These barriers I’ve erected around myself, the fear of letting go of my thoughts and emotions gets in the way and it frustrates me to no end. It’s like I’m torn between two extremes: I want to share all my feelings and in certain moments I feel absolutely ready too but also whenever it comes to that point, the fear pulls me back and I literally cannot let go. It’s an automatic reaction for me to shut down whenever I’m faced with an uncomfortable, awkward or new situation. And everything about relationships is new and therefore awkward for me. You see, he is a very open, laidback sort of person, one who has no qualms about sharing what’s on his mind or in his heart and he knows, as much as I, the importance of communication. He sees that I tend not to talk about deeper things with him or get into the normal discussions in relationships; whenever we get to a point in the topic we’re discussing that I’d rather not reveal information about or get into, I try and change the subject. He’ll comply but I can tell he wants to go further into it and will try to push it that way sometimes. These usually being conversations of a slightly sexual and\or going into romantic personal feelings nature. I’m not sure why, but I just can’t seem to reveal what’s in my heart and it gives me the jitters to go into anything sensual. It’s slowly dissipating and he’s helped me to become more open simply by being the kind of person that he is and it’s a wonderful thing, but I know I’m still too tense, too closed-off, too inside my own little world.

During the weeks we didn’t see each other because of school, our phone conversations consisted of telling all about our lives, likes and dislikes, observations of life, and other such deeper things. I didn’t mind so much discussing those but when we arrived at our personal feelings towards each other or just getting to know what we liked romantically, the signal to proverbially curl into a little ball and hide overcame me. I’d give vague answers and after a bit of prodding on his part, he’d give up and settle for asking me another time. He’s always eager to know my feelings and sometimes pushes me into revealing them, but he also tells me he wants me to ask about his opinions and emotions too. I just don’t ask the embarrassing (at least in my mind) questions enough. I like to dig deep as well, but yet I feel so uncomfortable doing so in the romantic sense. He finds it cute when I blush as we take on private questions. He understands my embarrassment with it and it’s not like this is the only thing consuming our relationship. We talk about so many different things, it’s quite amusing!

But why, why am I the grand master of pushing away? Why do I have to be so scared of intimacy? Some people my age go all out just two months into their relationship; it’s like they’re perfectly comfortable and ready in an instant. I’d like to be that way too, but not necessarily so quickly, I’d just prefer to speed up the process a bit more. Plus, I don’t think he’s totally sexually confident yet either (he agreed with me about the waiting for the right moment for sex thing). But we haven’t really reached that point just yet. Anyway, since we mostly spend our time talking considering the distance between us, you’d think I’d have less qualms about all this after a month and a half, and while I feel much more at level with the mushy gushyness of relationships, I’m still not at the point I’d like to be at. This fear of physical and emotional intimacy probably stems from the fact that I carry anxiety about one too many things in life, and this falls under that category.

I guess when you’ve been alone and single you’re entire life, not having been much exposed to the world of dating, romance, and sex, you aren’t quite sure what to do or how to react when confronted with it. Though I am a hopeless romantic and spent much of my childhood and teenage years reading fairytales, sighing at chick flicks, and wishing someone would come sweep me off my feet too, I never really thought a whole lot about what it would be like should love find its way to me. Honestly, I’d always imagined I’d be on my own for a long time and so I never cared to wonder about how to act in a relationship. I supposed it would come so easily and naturally because the feelings are stronger, but that isn’t necessarily true; being with someone does take work, just like any connection you share with another. I just hoped I wouldn’t be clueless when the time came to be with someone, but that was definitely not the case. The fear isn’t so much from the physical acts or the relaying of emotional secrets themselves, but rather it’s about performance and vulnerability: what if I do it wrong? What if I can’t give him what he wants? What if he thinks less of me after I’ve told him certain somethings about myself? What if he gets tired of waiting for me? What if, as much as I’d want to whether for him or myself, literally cannot do or say something? What if, what if, what if! These questions plague me incessantly and I don’t know how to get rid of them and stop worrying all the time. I don’t want to mess up, I don’t want to keep being clueless…two things I’m terribly good at. Someone can only tolerate ineptitude for so long.

Perhaps I’m setting myself up for a self-fulfilling prophecy by thinking all of these things, and it’s been known to occur before, so I should just stop fretting and simply go with the flow, right? The more I think such things, the more I end up doing them, and therefore the relationship will eventually be ruined, no? So, I need to calm down, to relax, to act naturally, and let it all slip away. He even tells me not to worry so much, lol. He’s a very upbeat, happy-go-lucky, not-a-care-in-the-world kind of person and he keeps me lighthearted when I secretly need it the most. I haven’t supremely dwelled on an issue since I’ve been with him and that’s a very good thing for me. I’m moving on, changing a bit, and one day maybe it’ll be noticeable. I don’t feel so troubled all the time anymore and freedom has extended it’s hand to me. And I have him to thank for it. The door to my heart has been opened just a smidgen more and I’m grateful.

But, alas, the worries I repetitively rambled on about above continue to haunt me as they indeed are important to me. I wish I knew how to lessen them.