You know what’s funny about life? It never stops.
It just keeps on going and going in an ever endless wheel of change with unexpected twists in the spokes. Life never takes a moment to slow down. If only it could for just a short time, a time in which I could collect my thoughts, reflect, and cherish the sweet simplicities existence has to offer. But, considering where I am in life right now, I have no real chance of that.
University takes up the biggest chunk of my time. Schoolwork wrought with readings, presentations, essays, research for reports, and math questions leave in its wake a very stressed and a pining-for-freedom student, me. I’m just sick and tired of school and it’s barely half over yet. The problem with university work is that it never gives you a chance to breathe as it’s all-encompassing and time-consuming. When you finish one thing, you immediately have to begin another in between doing little things for some big project worth a considerable amount of your final grade. Plus, I get to be on the job hunt as I’ll need one in the summer. What a great way to spend the little free time I’m allowed!
Then there’s the social network. Not that I have much of one to keep up with, but it’s still draining at times nonetheless. It’s great to spend time with friends, enjoying their company and chatting and hanging out, but the hassle of planning when and where to see them, if the plans work for everyone, etc. get old after awhile. I’d like to be able to just pop into anyone’s house whenever but since everyone leads their own busy life, that’s next to impossible. Plus, there’s always the friendship frustrations I always seem to find myself in the middle of. When one seems to dissipate for a bit, more tension occurs when a roommate decides to leave at the end of the semester because she’s apparently found a new and better group of friends she can live with. Someone always does the walking away and most of the time it isn’t me.
Of course, things with the boyfriend are relatively smooth, but it’s certainly no bed of roses. I don’t get to see him much, maybe once a weekend or every other weekend because of circumstances being as they are. He also doesn’t like to take things seriously and it annoys the hell out of me. I swear, half of what I say goes in one ear and out the other in that empty head of his. Don’t get me wrong, he’s reasonably intelligent and well-adjusted, I just wonder how much actually goes through his mind (as proven by how little effort he puts into his schoolwork, thus making for only a minimal passing average). And, I think sometimes he’d rather spend time with his friends and entertain his social life, than talk to me. Now, that might send kind of jealous from my end, but seeing how little we see each other, it’s not too much to ask just to talk for more than random minutes sometimes. I don’t want to be his last priority but I certainly feel like it sometimes. Actually, I feel like that with a lot of people, but no guessing I suppose it’s my fault for it, or at least it feels that way.
Again, I really need to get away. I just want to hop on a plane and fly somewhere majestic and beautiful and forget about my petty troubles for a time. Escape sounds so grand, so freeing, but of course I can’t escape my problems. It’d just be nice to have a break but I don’t see gaining one in the forseeable future.
Life goes on. It never stops. Not even for just one minute to think things through. I have to take it head on and go with the flow. No time for complaining. Well, it’s on to the next task, but that’s life!

4 comments
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January 26, 2009 at 9:11 pm
Megan
Hello, my name is Megan.
Honestly, I stumbled accross this from “Never Had a Boyfriend” and I am convinced we are the same person. Every single one of your opinions, worries, thoughts, fears and feelings are IDENTICAL to mine and even your prose is word perfect of what rolls around my head most of the time.
It is SO unbelievably AMAZING to find someone who thinks like me and who actually UNDERSTANDS, people just don’t seem to and I do often feel alone in my own head with stuff like this.
THANK YOU SO MUCH for this and I guess it helps you as much as it helps others as a way to kinf of vent all of your thoughts. I really really do relate to you in almost everyway and it’s wonderful to hear you’ve found someone- I hope it goes well and shall keep reading as am SURE I’ll learn from your experiences. I am unfortunately not as lucky as you and am yet to find someone, I’m 20 in a few months and it’s starting to wear me down. I just think and feel differently from other people it appears and those who have experience or have had someone in their life think by saying “it’ll happen one day” or “saying you haven’t had a boyfriend is like saying you’ve never taken drugs” …. stupid things I’ve heard in the past!
They have NO idea what it’s like to feel as if you’ve missed out on a vital part of life and to have not experienced love or anything even close….no affection or someone to make you feel worthwhile. Being very independeant myself, I often think I’m fine alone and I AM but that’s not the point. I am a complete romantic and feel things VERY strongly but have never opened my heart- and it’s SO full of love. Sounds ridiculously cheesy but it’s so true.
Your intimacy worries are parallel to mine too….I just can’t do it and it’s SO refereshing to hear your feelings and how similar they are to mine.
Anyway, Im sorry for rambling, I just thought I’d send a message to say how nice it was to stumble accross your blog.
I hope it all works out
Megan xxx
lw07mc@leeds.ac.uk
January 29, 2009 at 4:39 am
silencio1
That’s awesome we think so much alike, I never thought there’d be anyone else out there in the world who felt so similar to how I do! Well, as for finding someone, sadly that didn’t last but I’m ok with it since it wasn’t meant to be and we weren’t compatible for each other and all that. Don’t worry, you will find someone, as will I, and be that much happier for it. I learned a lot from the short relationship of mine and I don’t regret it one bit. I want to find that love too and open my heart fully because I know I can, it just has to be with the right person. It is nice to hear someone feels the same. We should keep in touch! And everything did work out
January 29, 2009 at 9:38 pm
Megan
Yet again, exactly what you said about KNOWING you have it in you but only for the right person. It’s like someone has to be EXACTLY what I want and need as if he’s not I’d never be comfortabe enough to do ANYTHING or even LET myself open up but with the right person I am completely 100% sure that I’d be able to….like in your ‘prose’ in your previous blog (was very very lovely by the way and what exists in my brain a lot of the time), that would all seem possible!
I daydream all of the time. I imagine allsorts and I can tell you are similar in this way! I just got SUCH a shock reading your page as it was like I was typing it!
Am SO sorry things didn’t work out. It is a shame but I guess, regardless of ho corny it sounds, what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. If it’s taught you a lot and you’ve grown as a person because of it then it’s GOT to be looked upon as a plus. It’s SO true that people that are in our position get so secure with being alone and it’s mainly, am sure, because we’re independent. Like, I know I’m fine being single and I have no real NEED for a boyfriend, it’s more of a want. It would add somehing to my life that I’ve always dreamed of. I’m a massive Jane Austen fan and am SUCH a sucker for a love story and live vicariously through a lot of things but I guess in real-life I never see how it’s possible for me as I’m so terrified. I KNOW I’m ready for love. I know it, it’s just not my time!
Jane Austen once said :
“Do not be in a hurry; depend upon it, the right Man will come at last”
She never found anyone and never married but still religiously believed in true love without every experiencing it which is SO tragic for someone who knew the heart SO perfectly….but I guess there’s a lot to learn from her. I understand why she gave all of her characters all of their desires…lived through them!
You’re SO right. After your experience at least you KNOW what you want now and can move on and STILL be happy knowing you are secure, comfortable and an independent woman
Yes! We should keep in touch, tis weird that I know nothing about you yet I stumbled accross a page full of thoughts about someone that literally mirror my own from someone my age! Scary! My email’s there if you want to stay in touch or if you have FaceBook etc
I have a penpal I write to which is THE only other person that I know that thinks the same…so tis kinda cool I came accross your blog!
We definitely will find that guy…I hope you’re well and happy and moving on well
Megan x
January 29, 2009 at 10:09 pm
silencio1
I emailed you my comment to your first post here lol, wasn’t sure how often you came on here. Right, I can’t help but feel that when it’s the right person, even a Mr. Right Now but he would be someone I could really be with, I’d be open to them quite a bit easier and it wouldn’t feel forced like it did with my first relationship. He wanted me to be open but it was really hard saying what was on my mind because he wasn’t one I could tell it to even if he did understand me sometimes.
I daydream all the time too, I live in my head too much I swear! It’s still pretty awesome to know we write and think so much alike, it’s beyond cool lol! Yeah, I’m sorry things didn’t work out either. I wish I felt more strongly for him but my feelings always stayed stagnant. They didn’t develop like I hoped and thought they would. Plus, he didn’t know how he felt about me near the end even though I knew it was stronger on his side because he wanted to keep trying, but if we had I don’t think my feelings would’ve changed and he’d undoubtledly become confused again. I mean it’s kind of a big obvious sign when you’re already losing interest after 3 months and that’s a short period of time lol! We weren’t a long-term couple that needed a boost in their relationship.
I am secure in my aloneness and independence, I never really needed a boyfriend, I just wanted one and jumped at the first chance when a guy liked me and I felt some sort of attraction for him. Even in the beginning though, I knew it wasn’t meant to last. I wished for the experience and that’s what I got. I live through love stories myself and am truly a hopeless romantic and when in real life that guy comes along, I know it’ll shine through and they’ll understand if shyness holds me back a bit, but that feeling of “knowing” will push it forward.
It’s odd, I actually feel more confident now that I’m out of the relationship then I did before or even in it. If I was heartbroken and actually felt something deep for him still and it had ended, I’d be in a quite a state. It’s not easy for me to let go of things and since it was so freeing and easy this one time, it proves to me I wasn’t attached enough and we weren’t meant to be, no matter how much he might try to say to convince me otherwise. Always trust your own feelings first.
I know nothing about you either but the way you write and everything you’ve said so far tells me we have a lot in common. We’ll email definitely and I have facebook too lol. It’d be great to be penpals. Hope you’re good as well and keep dreaming for that guy!