It’s official.

Me and Internet Guy are officially dating now as boyfriend/girlfriend. And of course I couldn’t be happier!!! We established this about a week and a half ago with me asking, “do you want to make it official?” and him saying, “alright then, you’re my girlfriend” and I said, “you’re my boyfriend”. Sure, that wasn’t all mushy and romantic, but it was perfect. And since then, well, I guess you could say things have been moving forward and I truly hope they continue down that path. It hasn’t been very long since we’ve started dating but yet it feels like I’ve been with him for awhile. It’s a funny feeling, but a good one too.

And with this revelation has followed a jumble of emotions. Happiness. Calm. Peace. Giddiness. Enthusiasm. Confusion. Fear. Uncertainty. Feelings I can’t even describe. It’s all been amazing really. Messing with my head a bit. Can’t focus on anything else. Tuning out the world around me. It’s like I’m inside this bubble and nothing from the outside world can reach me or find its way in. I already entertain the fantasies inside my head enough as it is, but this one just so happens to be real. I’ve felt weak in the knees. Nausea. Fluttering heartbeat. Butterflies. Insomnia. The physical side effects of liking someone a great deal. They make me feel “good” and “bad” at the same time. I’ve never felt this way before, never had so much happening all at once. It’s wonderful but also very draining. But I will cherish all of this while it lasts, before I start settling in and becoming comfortable. Though I secretly hope that happens sooner rather than later.

I think I’ve gotten used to the idea that I’m “in a relationship” again. But this time it feels more real, like it actually means something and is truly “there”, than it did with the Chinese boy I dated for such a short time almost 2 years ago now. And that, I think also, is a very good sign. I’ve hung out with Internet Guy a few times since we became official and they’ve all been surreal and wonderful so far. I just feel so much more at ease when I’m with him, like I can be myself and share my thoughts and feelings without fear that he will judge me or think less of me. It’s an amazing feeling to be able to act natural around someone. I always feel like I have to put on a mask, act a certain way, be how people expect me to be – I show these different sides of myself, different versions of who I am to my family, friends, and others I don’t know quite so well. To my family, I’m this serious person who spends way too much of her time alone and one who is also lazy (cleaning isn’t exactly a hobby of mine lol) and perhaps a bit too anxious about things for her own good. To my friends, I am goofy and cute, never straightforward or particularly down-to-earth, always spinning my opinions and experiences in such a way as to make them laugh and leaving them wanting to know more. And to other people, I don’t always know how I come across; to some it’s shy, quiet, and reserved, to others it’s awkward but sweet and nice, and to others still it’s one who doesn’t know how to do anything, or at least not “properly”. But to Internet Guy, I feel like the things that really define “me” come out: my appreciation for simplicity, my contemplative nature (my “deepness” if you will), my sense of wonder about history, my lack of love for our modern Western society, my understanding of the world. My maturity. I can’t say I’ve ever felt quite so free around someone before. I used to wish that I would meet someone I could be completely myself with and maybe, just maybe, I’ve finally met him. Of course that isn’t too say I’m not still hesitant about revealing what lies inside my soul. I’m still very nervous and careful about what I decide to tell him. But those defenses are slowly eroding and given time and trust, I may be able to truly be “me” around him without any facades.

It also helps that he is patient and understanding too. He doesn’t force me to do anything I don’t want to do, anything that I’m uncomfortable with. Both emotionally and physically. And I couldn’t be more grateful for that. He says that it’s ok, that it takes time and that’s fine, that even he isn’t ready for everything yet. He always asks me if it’s ok if he can do this or if we can do that. He told me that I was beautiful and that I was special to him. All I could say was “thank you” but I wonder if he knows how deep that goes, how much it means to me. One day I will tell him. He smells like the earth. I could lie in his arms forever. He lives in a place that couldn’t be anything less than a dream. He is like the shooting star in the sky that has finally found its way to me. And I can’t believe that it is real.

This might sound a little odd, but I haven’t been dying to go off and tell everyone my news, to share with them all the details of our time spent together. I haven’t been hyper and jumping up and down for joy. That isn’t really me. Happiness and joy seep inside me, make me feel calm and at ease, like nothing can go wrong. And there are some things I like to keep to myself, some details the world isn’t meant to know. Of course I got all excited and told my friends the news and whatnot and they’ve all expressed their happiness for me and how cute my new relationship is. I couldn’t be more grateful for their support and interest in this new part of my life. My life is usually uneventful so I’m not surprised they keep pressing at me to tell them what’s gone on between me and Internet Guy. They want to know every little thing! And while that can be slightly irritating, I’m happy inside that they want to know more about the goings-on in my life and didn’t just give me the reaction of “oh, that’s cool” and moved onto something else. I’ve never been much good for giving details, but there’s always a time to start!

All in all, I still can’t quite believe that I’m with someone again! I always figured I’d be in the single boat for a long time to come, that I wouldn’t meet anyone til I was older, if ever at all. But I guess sometimes the unexpected happens and a guy comes into your life when you aren’t even looking or waiting for him. And part of that too is being open to it. It just happens. I wish I had the answers as to how, but I do not. In any event, I hope things continue to progress with me and Internet Guy and that I don’t find some way of sabotaging the relationship or something stupid like that. Actually, I shouldn’t think like that period. I couldn’t ask for more than what I’ve found. And wherever “somewhere” is, I hope we keep heading in that direction.

I am ready.

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