How can you feel two things at once? What about a million things? How can you be going backwards and forwards at the same time?

My life is changing and I’m not sure I can keep up.

Things with me and the boyfriend have been going really well lately. The times we’ve spent together have been wonderful, almost magical even, kind of like a dream. We’ve been dating a little over a month now and I still couldn’t be happier. That sense of peace and ease I feel with him I think is starting to transfer into other parts of my life now that it’s finally settled in that my relationship with him is a reality. Like for instance, I’m not particularly fond of my summer job as a store clerk (my boss is lazy and annoying, the tasks are repetitive and time-consuming not to mention draining because there are so many, and customer service isn’t something I enjoy) but this morning when I went into work, I just felt ok there, like it was nice to be there and see the morning light and greet the people stopping by. I’ve never felt that there before. Usually I’m dead on my feet and towards the end of my shift less friendly to the customers. But today, that didn’t really happen. I feel like after everything with Internet Guy so far, I shouldn’t sweat the small stuff so much.

Our relationship is progressing and it’s getting deeper and more meaningful each time I see him. We’ve stargazed under the heavens, taken moonlit walks, eaten dinner by candlelight. It’s all been very romantic. And with it brings feelings I’ve never felt before. Feelings of “falling”, wonderment, connection, and others I can’t even describe. Then there is the physical aspect. I feel strangely comfortable with him and the sexual acts we’ve engaged in thus far I’ve been completely ready for, just like that! It still takes me time to ease into them, but they are good and I don’t freeze up and want to turn away like I did with my ex. Again, if we are moving onto something more, he asks if it’s ok if he does this or that and understands if there’s something I’m not quite ready for just yet. Emotionally, things are moving along too. I feel like we’ve gotten closer, more connected. He’s said he cares a lot about me and is lucky to have me as a girlfriend. I’ve told him he means a lot to me and that I’m grateful to have found someone like him. I think, given enough time, love could very well come into the picture. I’ve never loved anyone before and it’s a scary thing to dive into, but I’ll save that for another post. Last night when he came to my house, I broke down in front of him – all these feelings just came rushing out and I couldn’t hold it in anymore. And he didn’t turn away. He didn’t ask me what was wrong with me. He simply said that it’s ok to cry and to not be ashamed of showing tears. I’m a sensitive person (maybe overly so) and that just made me tear up more! It was so sweet and he said that if I ever needed to talk about anything or just needed a shoulder to cry on, he’d be there. I can’t say there are very many people in my life who have done that for me, at least not without asking for something in return. It was just so pure. I couldn’t ask for anything more. The reason I was so emotional wasn’t because I was sad or anything, but overwhelmed. I’ve been feeling all these new feelings, am being with someone in a way I’ve never been with anyone before, and doing and saying things I’ve never felt comfortable doing and saying with anyone. My relationship is moving forward, it has a direction, I can see a future up ahead, a future where we are a serious couple. And it’s all so wonderful and scary and unknown that I don’t really know to do except take a leap and see what happens.

On the other end though, those old fears and insecurities still plague me. Such as the one of what if he loses interest in me and decides to leave. Or that he will think something is wrong with me if I reveal certain things about myself and my life. Or that I’m simply just not good enough. I know I shouldn’t think like that and I know that the more I entertain those thoughts, the more of a self-fulfilling prophecy they will become and then I will end up sabotaging/ruining our relationship. It’s really hard for me to kick those thoughts out of my head, though I’m really trying this time. I’ve got to focus on the good and what’s happening right now, not what ifs that may or may not ever happen. If he can look past my insecurities, then that’s a wonderful thing. Maybe with him by my side I can grow and change and learn to accept myself better than I could’ve on my own. I was trying to do it alone but I wasn’t getting very far. It’s a slow process no doubt, but maybe over time I really can become a better, more confident person. It’s just now, I hope I have some help.

It’s strange to feel like I’m behind but yet going somewhere at the same time. I’m stuck in a rut with so many things in my life; the same old problems never change or go away, they follow me everywhere. My social anxiety. My lack of passion for anything (I have interests but nothing I can say I’ve put my whole heart into and developed a skill out of). My non-existent life skills. My passivity and absent-mindedness. My uncertainty over my career path and whether I’d be good at it. The hypocrisy and difficulties with my boss that I’m encountering at my summer job as a store clerk. The family issues that surround me. I’m behind and I’ve got so damn far to go, so much I need to do and see before I can really say I’m “something”. Simultaneously though, other parts of my life are changing and slowly coming together, at least for the time being: my friendships generally are pretty solid, I’ve got a wonderful boyfriend who has been teaching me to see life from different angles and perspectives, I’m becoming more comfortable with my body. I’m being pushed and pulled in two different directions, not sure what to focus on, which path to walk down. It is very overwhelming! And confusing, and great, and I’m everywhere and nowhere all at once!

I’ve never felt like this before but I hope to goodness it settles down soon. I need some peace, quiet, and relaxation. And some security about my life.

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