It’s about time I updated! It certainly has been awhile. Schoolwork and real life have kept me busy as of late, but that should be no excuse to forgo my blog. I remember my last post carried such optimism in it. I was feeling hopeful and looking forward to a great year. I don’t know if I feel that way anymore.

Maybe it’s my age, but at the moment I just feel so overwhelmed with life. This has been going on for the last month or so and it’s beginning to take it’s toll on me. I wonder if this is common amongst 21-year-olds; you’re coming to the end of your education, you’re about to embark out into the real world with a real job and real responsibilities, you’re an adult and it’s time to start thinking and acting like one, you’re relationships and the people around you are changing, you’re changing. These are all things I’m experiencing and I’ve heard it’s not uncommon to feel this way at my age. Some of my friends in their own ways are feeling it too. We’ve had a number of discussions in recent months about our lives and futures. And it is nice to know that I’m not alone in experiencing this, but yet everyone does in their own way. Maybe I’m more sensitive to it as that is just my emotional disposition, but for me the sense of overwhelm is quite intense. I don’t feel it everyday, some days I do not acknowledge it at all and I am my normal silly yet serious self. But on the days I do I just feel like breaking down (and sometimes I have) and really have this urge to escape. I’m unsure as to how to make this feeling go away. Perhaps I’m meant to just feel it as sometimes that’s all you can do. But I would like to distract myself from it better so I’m not constantly bringing the people in my life down. I just wish I knew what to do and where to go.

And then comes things with me and Internet Guy. They are still good and we have had some very nice nights together. But as the title probably reveals, I guess you could say we are in love. I don’t know when I felt that depth of feeling exactly, but something made me ask him one weekend, “how do you know when you’re in love?” You see, the night before he was in such a sweet, romantic mood that it surprised me and scared me a little. He kept telling me over and over how beautiful and wonderful I was and how I meant so much to him. He said in an almost urging kind of way. And then the next morning I posed that question to him because I truly wondered if he did love me. That’s when he told me he’d like to reveal his true feelings and that’s when he told me he loved me. I was on air. I felt such relief I had never known before. I didn’t tell him those three words right away, it took me a couple of weeks, but when I did it was like the connection between us solidified. It is definitely not like how it is in the movies, at least not for me. There were no stars and sparks and magic. It was just a depth of feeling that needed release. I think it brought us closer together. We say it more easily to each other now, but of course, over time those feelings of love and affection are meant to grow and for me, they have. I believe they have for him too, just by how he acts at times. They say love is blind and maybe for some people it is. I don’t really feel that way. I don’t feel blinded by him and I know when to come back to myself. Of course, this doesn’t discount the insane urge to be around him all the time. I really feel like I never want to let him go. Over time though, I know the intensity of that will fade and I suppose we’ll just have a more comfortable sort of love. I just feel quite passionate about him and I’m not usually passionate about anything or anyone. Yes, I’m a sensitive person who feels deeply, but passion – the fiery, longing sort – isn’t something I’ve felt before until now. It’s invigorating but at the same time overwhelming. Perhaps this where some of the feelings I mentioned above stem from: all that’s happened between me and Internet Guy since I last wrote.

This is why I question what it means to be in love. For one, I never have before until now so it is still completely new and foreign to me and I don’t know how to navigate it. And two, I feel quite the attachment to Internet Guy but I don’t want to let it wander into neediness. Where is the balance? I care so much for him, but what if it’s too much? What if it’s not enough? How do you know? The problem with me is that I’m so scared of being completely open with people, of being close to them in a best friend sort of way. But with Internet Guy, I didn’t feel that fear so much and so I have been rather open with him and vulnerable around him. I’ve shared with him some of the negativity from my past, confided in him when I felt like an emotional roller coaster during my last time of the month (I have PMS issues). Just last night, I asked him if I could come over to his house for a little while. I just felt like I needed to be with him, needed his company. It was somewhat late and he did have to get up for work in the morning, but I couldn’t ignore what was inside me. I just needed to let it out and he is the one person in real life I feel safe doing that with. I told him about the overwhelming with life feelings and he said he understood and that it’s normal to go through that at my age. It did make me feel loads better because he is an example of someone who experienced it and came out alright. I was (am still) sick too and I just didn’t want to be alone with that either. I just wanted to be with him even though I’d just seen him on the weekend. He’s told me that I can let him know anything and that I always have him to talk to. That brings me some comfort and peace. Perhaps that is why I love him: he simply listens. He doesn’t berate me, he doesn’t ask questions. He just holds me in his arms and listens.

However, I am at the same time afraid I’ve gone too far. I feel like I shouldn’t have been all weepy and sad on the phone those couple of nights when my PMS was horrible. I definitely feel like I shouldn’t have gone over last night and interrupted his night. I feel like there are some things I’ve told him about myself and shown about myself I never should’ve done. I am afraid that he looks at me differently than at the beginning of our relationship. That now that he’s seen the dark side of me, he thinks there’s something wrong with me. I’ve been too vulnerable around him, too sensitive, too insecure. And before too long it’s going to wear him down and poof! our relationship will be history. I know, I know. If I keep thinking this way, it’s just going to be a self-fulfilling prophecy and I will have sabotaged the relationship myself. And I vowed not to let that happen! So for now, I’m just going to back off. I’m going to give him some space and when we do talk to and see each other, I will act like I’m in a normal mood. I’ll put on a happy face. These overwhelming with life feelings are my own and something I need to sort through and deal with. He doesn’t need to be involved in it anymore.

I spoke to him once that I didn’t feel like he didn’t let me in enough. I mean in the sense that he doesn’t talk to me much about negative feelings and experiences. He told me that when he’s with me he just wants to enjoy it, he said he was happy with me and he didn’t want to bring that down. I feel the same when I am with him. And look what I’ve done now. I’ve screwed that up by being my emotional self. They say the tough times bring you closer and that’s true, but after only 4 months of dating, it’s too early to be dealing with negativity in life. He no doubt sees me as a downer now, an unfun person to be around. Maybe that’s why he hasn’t invited me out with his friends (this is another topic I’ll post about later – he only has one friend he sees regularly, like almost every day, and usually it’s just the two of them, but anyway). I mean he says I can go to him whenever I need to and he’s always been there for me, but he must be getting annoyed with that by now.

I feel like I’ve gone haywire. I’m happy and alive one day, and confused and overwhelmed the next. I feel bipolar. I don’t know what’s up with me lately. I’m happy to be in love and to be loved, I couldn’t be more thankful. But I’m afraid and confused about what it means for me and Internet Guy, what it means for my life as a whole. I’m at a loss as to where my life is going. I’m sick of feeling all is right with the world one day and not the next. Maybe I should see a counsellor. Maybe they can help me to focus. Maybe I just need to simply take one day at a time and calm myself down. I need to live. I need to look at the simple things in life again. Spend some fun time with my friends. And try my best not to stress about school work (another reason why I feel overwhelmed, I’m just sick and tired of homework and writing the same kinds of essays over and over again – I have no motivation anymore). I have got to perk up and be positive. I need to be my normal self again. And that’s what I plan on doing. Hopefully Internet Guy will see that positive change in me and it can all work out for the better. I need to just enjoy what I’ve got with him again and stop fretting.

Advertisement