Okay, so it has yet again been awhile since I’ve updated. I really need to keep on track with this blog, but real life often has a habit of getting in the way.

For the most part, schoolwork has been keeping me pretty occupied. This semester’s load is no more heavy than any other’s, but for some reason most of my classes feel lackluster somehow. I’m tired of hearing about the same concepts over and over again and being asked to write papers about them. It’s tedious and repetitive. Besides, there isn’t a whole lot of space for originality or creativity of thought in those essays. We just write and then reference everything. What does that teach? Basically, I am just done with school and homework and being a student. I wish it was over now, but I still have a ways to go yet. Luckily, my last assignment for the term is done and I get three weeks off for Christmas break!!

Now onto things with me and Internet Guy. We are still holding strong and things are still good between us. Save for some minor quibbles and disagreements here and there, I can’t say I have any major issues with him. And that’s a really great thing! As far as I know, he doesn’t have any with me either. The only time I become insecure in the relationship is during PMS mode right before my period comes knocking on my door. Obviously I need to learn how to control my emotions during then and not let the psychological craziness get the best of me. I’ve always had serious PMS issues (both physical and emotional – it’s a struggle every month), but I don’t want to go on birth control pills to regulate them and natural supplements I can’t afford right now. So I endure those few days of utter physical and emotional turmoil right before it starts instead. At this time, I tend to become more overly sensitive than usual and shed tears at everything, whether it be sentimental sweetness or something not so good. I even feel them prick behind my eyes when I don’t even mean them too. And as it happens, I’ve been turning to Internet Guy to help relieve me of these emotions. For some reason, just talking to him on the phone late into the night and getting lots of hugs from him really does make me feel better, even if all I feel like doing is crying. But I fear that I rely on him too much to help me feel better during these times and that they are wearing him down and that eventually he’s not going to want to put up with it and will tell me to leave him alone during these times. Can you tell the PMS is talking right now? My life has been kind of in a weird state lately and while I don’t feel down on myself per se, I don’t feel happy either. Anyway, perhaps it is best I leave him alone when I am in an emotional pit. Nobody wants to put up with that.

Now, now onto the heart of the matter. Sex. That’s right, someday (though not necessarily soon) I will no longer be a virgin. And in a strange kind of way, that scares me. I’ve always viewed sex as something you do with someone you care about and love; I just feel there is so much intimacy and meaning attached to it. And while I feel it is an act I can do with Internet Guy eventually, I just don’t know how you make that leap from doing all of those other sexual things (yes, I’ve done them all, except one that I would never want to do because it would be gross) to “going all the way”. Having sexual intercourse just seems like so much more than those other things. And I’m not sure I’m ready for the emotional ramifications of it. What it will all mean when we’ve had it and it’s over. Don’t worry, I’m not being pressured into doing the deed at all. Internet Guy has told me he will wait for me and it’s up to me when it’s time. I just feel that as our relationship progresses, sex is getting closer and closer and it’s scary! I’ve told him this and he says again to just take my time and I’ll be ready when I’m ready. The thing is, how do you know when you’re really ready? I don’t want to do it and then feel all overwhelmed and regret it.

I also fear about how much it’s going to hurt. It’s still slightly painful and uncomfortable at times when he uses his fingers and so I’m afraid of the pain that’s going to come with the real thing. This is at the moment what is scaring me most about having sex. I’m not sure I’ll be able to handle the pain that comes with the first time.

It’s funny, but I’m not really worried about getting pregnant or contracting an STD. Internet Guy is a virgin himself so that’s self-explanatory with the STDs and as for pregnancy, well, I know we’ll be really careful and know what we’re doing. I like how I’m not afraid of the those typical consequences that come along with sex, but afraid of the pain and emotions that result from it.

I don’t know, I guess it really is only with time that I will become more comfortable with the idea of sex and actually having it. I just wish I knew when I would be ready. I guess I’ve been putting pressure on myself lately to try and get more acquainted with it, but that’s just making me feel worse. I’m just going to slow it down, take it easy, and not worry about it so much. I’ll just have fun with Internet Guy and we’ll experiment and explore and I know that in time, I will be ready and everything will go fine.

Anyway, it’s Christmas!! I really feel the spirit of the season now and it’s going to be over so soon! I haven’t watched as many Christmas specials and movies this year compared to other years (school and life intruding) but I’ve managed to find some time too. I always enjoy relaxing and doing that. This past week, the week before Christmas, has been kind of a rush: buying presents, working to clean up the house for family arrivals, wrapping presents, and so forth. But somehow I always really enjoy the week before the big day. It’s a part of the week where you don’t have to worry about anything else and yet the holidays haven’t really started yet. It’s gone by so fast though. I hate that part lol! There is a certain magic to this time of year and I always miss it when Christmas leaves. It always comes ever year though!

Likewise, I wish everyone a very Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!! I hope you spend some quality time with your family and friends and have lots of fun and holiday cheer. Have a great time! =D

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