The world is changing
And here I stand unmoving
Seasons shift
Time passes on
And still I hold my ground
Friends take on new names
Families fade away
And I remain the same
Romance blossoms
Work hits rock bottom
And yet I stay
War rages on
Animals run
And I keep my place
People I thought I knew
Are who they are no longer
And I am still my endless self
Hopes and dreams discovered
Old ideas now lost
And my thoughts are forever
Lives with different meanings
To live is to go it on your own
And where I am is steady
People try all kinds of things
People settle down
And yet I have done neither
Water rushes past
To grow is to never last
And still I am rooted to the earth
The world is changing
And here I stand still for all time

This poem I wrote above is the gist of how I have been feeling for the past 6 months. The world is changing all around me but I have not changed at all. Or at least that is how it seems sometimes. I know I said I would update this blog more this year, but I haven’t had the energy to write in a very long time. School is partly to blame. When you’ve spent four years of your life writing essay after essay, report after report, reflection after reflection, and doing presentation after presentation, it starts to wear on your writing faculties. The solace I used to feel from writing during my high school years has all but disappeared throughout my time in university. School has drained my creative juices. I hope that when school is over, writing for enjoyment and release will once again become something I actively pursue.

A lot has happened since I last posted around Christmas time and yet hardly anything has happened at all. New Year’s was a nice time spent with friends and my boyfriend, a quiet evening to be cherished despite the fact that I was sick. Then school started and Valentine’s Day approached. I cooked Internet Guy a lovely yet simple dinner and we shared a bottle of wine over candles. A break from school came and I was both relaxed and restless. And then my 22nd birthday just recently passed and overall it was a nice celebration. A movie date with a close friend followed a few days later by a night of romantic dinner and time with my boyfriend. There have been some great memories and times in the last few months and indeed one new thing certainly did change: I am no longer a virgin. I do not feel any different compared to when I was a virgin as after all, it is the meaning we attach to the label that gives it any significance. The act of sexual intercourse itself did not hurt as much as I thought it would and there was no blood or anything like that. Internet Guy was as sweet and slow and gentle as could be and overwhelmed with emotion as I was, I cried. He held me in his arms and told me he loved me and it was all I ever wanted or needed to hear. He has done as much for me so since that first time. Every time we have “did it” since then has become less awkward and new and it has gotten better and better. Being both virgins as we were, we did not exactly know what we were doing (beyond practicing safe sex and being careful of course which we did), but I later came to realize that that was okay. I didn’t need to impress him or know how to “perform properly”. Sex is all about exploring your significant other’s body as well as your own and connecting physically in the closest way possible. There is so much meaning behind the act, so much love and compassion, so much to hold on to and cherish. It is something special shared between two people who love each other and it is never to be taken lightly. And when the act is complete there is such a wonderful and amazing peace and deepness that comes with just laying in the arms of your partner. I want to share this with everybody and hope that you all too will experience such a feeling someday. There are so many positives with me and Internet Guy that I would do well to keep them in mind at all times.

That is not to say that there have not been dark times. Everything is not all perfect bliss between me and Internet Guy. While we do not yell and fight, we argue at times, annoy each other at times, and have made mistakes with each other at times. We have issues as all relationships do. The point is to work through them, communicate, compromise, and come to an understanding. Sometimes sacrifices are involved. Sometimes habits and ideas need to be changed. Sometimes little inklings of the problem supposed to be resolved remain and you’re not sure what to do with them or if you should trust them. I worry too much. I over-analyze things. I get sad and depressed, though not mainly for reasons regarding my relationship with Internet Guy. He, on the other hand, can sometimes be too adventurous and doesn’t think clearly or notice what’s right in front of him. We all have our faults, our vices. Sometimes couples move too slow or move too fast. Sometimes they got lost in each other. For a good few months I got lost in Internet Guy. I made the same move my friend did for two and a half years with her boyfriend (now ex), the same move so many other girls have made with their significant others for longer or shorter periods of time than me. I wanted him around all the time. I got to see him all the time. I started neglecting time spent with friends. I didn’t think about how my roommates would feel. I talked to him all the time and wanted to talk to him all the time. I still do. But during those months, I went overboard. A conversation with a friend and a wake up call of my own made me realize the path I was heading down and that I needed to veer off of it if I was going to keep my sanity. And so I have made a new path, a path me and Internet Guy walk down with relative stability and less clinginess. It is still difficult at times not to want to always be with him and beg him to stay and there are still times when I lose myself in talking to him a lot. Of course, there are two sides to every story and while he was not so intense as me, he still got lost for himself and managed to find his way back. When a relationship is serious with the intention of being long-term, these feelings are normal, but they cannot get the best of a person and keep them from living their own life. There are still many things, I feel at least in regards to me, that I need to work out. If my relationship is to remain healthy, then I need to be healthy too.

As for the poem written above, that is in relation to other facets of my life. I feel as though my friends are changing and becoming people I didn’t think they’d want to become. My family is becoming disconnected. I got laid off from a job I had recently that I enjoyed. School unfortunately trudges on. I don’t think the career I’m studying towards is one I care to be in at all. While I know I would be okay at it, I don’t just want to be okay at something. I want passion in life, I need a purpose. I just wish I knew where to start looking. But I also have to keep in mind finances and reality. My relationship is going well for now, but I still have anxieties about it. I wish for something stable in my life. The one thing that would be a source of comfort is something I cannot at this point in my life have. I am going abroad this summer to work for a month and a half in Europe, but that has not excited as much as it should have. And I absolutely adore Europe! There is something wrong with me, my life, or at least that’s how it feels. Maybe nothing is wrong at all, maybe it is just a skewed perception. Either way, all I want and need is some semblance of stability.