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The world is changing
And here I stand unmoving
Seasons shift
Time passes on
And still I hold my ground
Friends take on new names
Families fade away
And I remain the same
Romance blossoms
Work hits rock bottom
And yet I stay
War rages on
Animals run
And I keep my place
People I thought I knew
Are who they are no longer
And I am still my endless self
Hopes and dreams discovered
Old ideas now lost
And my thoughts are forever
Lives with different meanings
To live is to go it on your own
And where I am is steady
People try all kinds of things
People settle down
And yet I have done neither
Water rushes past
To grow is to never last
And still I am rooted to the earth
The world is changing
And here I stand still for all time
This poem I wrote above is the gist of how I have been feeling for the past 6 months. The world is changing all around me but I have not changed at all. Or at least that is how it seems sometimes. I know I said I would update this blog more this year, but I haven’t had the energy to write in a very long time. School is partly to blame. When you’ve spent four years of your life writing essay after essay, report after report, reflection after reflection, and doing presentation after presentation, it starts to wear on your writing faculties. The solace I used to feel from writing during my high school years has all but disappeared throughout my time in university. School has drained my creative juices. I hope that when school is over, writing for enjoyment and release will once again become something I actively pursue.
A lot has happened since I last posted around Christmas time and yet hardly anything has happened at all. New Year’s was a nice time spent with friends and my boyfriend, a quiet evening to be cherished despite the fact that I was sick. Then school started and Valentine’s Day approached. I cooked Internet Guy a lovely yet simple dinner and we shared a bottle of wine over candles. A break from school came and I was both relaxed and restless. And then my 22nd birthday just recently passed and overall it was a nice celebration. A movie date with a close friend followed a few days later by a night of romantic dinner and time with my boyfriend. There have been some great memories and times in the last few months and indeed one new thing certainly did change: I am no longer a virgin. I do not feel any different compared to when I was a virgin as after all, it is the meaning we attach to the label that gives it any significance. The act of sexual intercourse itself did not hurt as much as I thought it would and there was no blood or anything like that. Internet Guy was as sweet and slow and gentle as could be and overwhelmed with emotion as I was, I cried. He held me in his arms and told me he loved me and it was all I ever wanted or needed to hear. He has done as much for me so since that first time. Every time we have “did it” since then has become less awkward and new and it has gotten better and better. Being both virgins as we were, we did not exactly know what we were doing (beyond practicing safe sex and being careful of course which we did), but I later came to realize that that was okay. I didn’t need to impress him or know how to “perform properly”. Sex is all about exploring your significant other’s body as well as your own and connecting physically in the closest way possible. There is so much meaning behind the act, so much love and compassion, so much to hold on to and cherish. It is something special shared between two people who love each other and it is never to be taken lightly. And when the act is complete there is such a wonderful and amazing peace and deepness that comes with just laying in the arms of your partner. I want to share this with everybody and hope that you all too will experience such a feeling someday. There are so many positives with me and Internet Guy that I would do well to keep them in mind at all times.
That is not to say that there have not been dark times. Everything is not all perfect bliss between me and Internet Guy. While we do not yell and fight, we argue at times, annoy each other at times, and have made mistakes with each other at times. We have issues as all relationships do. The point is to work through them, communicate, compromise, and come to an understanding. Sometimes sacrifices are involved. Sometimes habits and ideas need to be changed. Sometimes little inklings of the problem supposed to be resolved remain and you’re not sure what to do with them or if you should trust them. I worry too much. I over-analyze things. I get sad and depressed, though not mainly for reasons regarding my relationship with Internet Guy. He, on the other hand, can sometimes be too adventurous and doesn’t think clearly or notice what’s right in front of him. We all have our faults, our vices. Sometimes couples move too slow or move too fast. Sometimes they got lost in each other. For a good few months I got lost in Internet Guy. I made the same move my friend did for two and a half years with her boyfriend (now ex), the same move so many other girls have made with their significant others for longer or shorter periods of time than me. I wanted him around all the time. I got to see him all the time. I started neglecting time spent with friends. I didn’t think about how my roommates would feel. I talked to him all the time and wanted to talk to him all the time. I still do. But during those months, I went overboard. A conversation with a friend and a wake up call of my own made me realize the path I was heading down and that I needed to veer off of it if I was going to keep my sanity. And so I have made a new path, a path me and Internet Guy walk down with relative stability and less clinginess. It is still difficult at times not to want to always be with him and beg him to stay and there are still times when I lose myself in talking to him a lot. Of course, there are two sides to every story and while he was not so intense as me, he still got lost for himself and managed to find his way back. When a relationship is serious with the intention of being long-term, these feelings are normal, but they cannot get the best of a person and keep them from living their own life. There are still many things, I feel at least in regards to me, that I need to work out. If my relationship is to remain healthy, then I need to be healthy too.
As for the poem written above, that is in relation to other facets of my life. I feel as though my friends are changing and becoming people I didn’t think they’d want to become. My family is becoming disconnected. I got laid off from a job I had recently that I enjoyed. School unfortunately trudges on. I don’t think the career I’m studying towards is one I care to be in at all. While I know I would be okay at it, I don’t just want to be okay at something. I want passion in life, I need a purpose. I just wish I knew where to start looking. But I also have to keep in mind finances and reality. My relationship is going well for now, but I still have anxieties about it. I wish for something stable in my life. The one thing that would be a source of comfort is something I cannot at this point in my life have. I am going abroad this summer to work for a month and a half in Europe, but that has not excited as much as it should have. And I absolutely adore Europe! There is something wrong with me, my life, or at least that’s how it feels. Maybe nothing is wrong at all, maybe it is just a skewed perception. Either way, all I want and need is some semblance of stability.
Okay, so it has yet again been awhile since I’ve updated. I really need to keep on track with this blog, but real life often has a habit of getting in the way.
For the most part, schoolwork has been keeping me pretty occupied. This semester’s load is no more heavy than any other’s, but for some reason most of my classes feel lackluster somehow. I’m tired of hearing about the same concepts over and over again and being asked to write papers about them. It’s tedious and repetitive. Besides, there isn’t a whole lot of space for originality or creativity of thought in those essays. We just write and then reference everything. What does that teach? Basically, I am just done with school and homework and being a student. I wish it was over now, but I still have a ways to go yet. Luckily, my last assignment for the term is done and I get three weeks off for Christmas break!!
Now onto things with me and Internet Guy. We are still holding strong and things are still good between us. Save for some minor quibbles and disagreements here and there, I can’t say I have any major issues with him. And that’s a really great thing! As far as I know, he doesn’t have any with me either. The only time I become insecure in the relationship is during PMS mode right before my period comes knocking on my door. Obviously I need to learn how to control my emotions during then and not let the psychological craziness get the best of me. I’ve always had serious PMS issues (both physical and emotional – it’s a struggle every month), but I don’t want to go on birth control pills to regulate them and natural supplements I can’t afford right now. So I endure those few days of utter physical and emotional turmoil right before it starts instead. At this time, I tend to become more overly sensitive than usual and shed tears at everything, whether it be sentimental sweetness or something not so good. I even feel them prick behind my eyes when I don’t even mean them too. And as it happens, I’ve been turning to Internet Guy to help relieve me of these emotions. For some reason, just talking to him on the phone late into the night and getting lots of hugs from him really does make me feel better, even if all I feel like doing is crying. But I fear that I rely on him too much to help me feel better during these times and that they are wearing him down and that eventually he’s not going to want to put up with it and will tell me to leave him alone during these times. Can you tell the PMS is talking right now? My life has been kind of in a weird state lately and while I don’t feel down on myself per se, I don’t feel happy either. Anyway, perhaps it is best I leave him alone when I am in an emotional pit. Nobody wants to put up with that.
Now, now onto the heart of the matter. Sex. That’s right, someday (though not necessarily soon) I will no longer be a virgin. And in a strange kind of way, that scares me. I’ve always viewed sex as something you do with someone you care about and love; I just feel there is so much intimacy and meaning attached to it. And while I feel it is an act I can do with Internet Guy eventually, I just don’t know how you make that leap from doing all of those other sexual things (yes, I’ve done them all, except one that I would never want to do because it would be gross) to “going all the way”. Having sexual intercourse just seems like so much more than those other things. And I’m not sure I’m ready for the emotional ramifications of it. What it will all mean when we’ve had it and it’s over. Don’t worry, I’m not being pressured into doing the deed at all. Internet Guy has told me he will wait for me and it’s up to me when it’s time. I just feel that as our relationship progresses, sex is getting closer and closer and it’s scary! I’ve told him this and he says again to just take my time and I’ll be ready when I’m ready. The thing is, how do you know when you’re really ready? I don’t want to do it and then feel all overwhelmed and regret it.
I also fear about how much it’s going to hurt. It’s still slightly painful and uncomfortable at times when he uses his fingers and so I’m afraid of the pain that’s going to come with the real thing. This is at the moment what is scaring me most about having sex. I’m not sure I’ll be able to handle the pain that comes with the first time.
It’s funny, but I’m not really worried about getting pregnant or contracting an STD. Internet Guy is a virgin himself so that’s self-explanatory with the STDs and as for pregnancy, well, I know we’ll be really careful and know what we’re doing. I like how I’m not afraid of the those typical consequences that come along with sex, but afraid of the pain and emotions that result from it.
I don’t know, I guess it really is only with time that I will become more comfortable with the idea of sex and actually having it. I just wish I knew when I would be ready. I guess I’ve been putting pressure on myself lately to try and get more acquainted with it, but that’s just making me feel worse. I’m just going to slow it down, take it easy, and not worry about it so much. I’ll just have fun with Internet Guy and we’ll experiment and explore and I know that in time, I will be ready and everything will go fine.
Anyway, it’s Christmas!! I really feel the spirit of the season now and it’s going to be over so soon! I haven’t watched as many Christmas specials and movies this year compared to other years (school and life intruding) but I’ve managed to find some time too. I always enjoy relaxing and doing that. This past week, the week before Christmas, has been kind of a rush: buying presents, working to clean up the house for family arrivals, wrapping presents, and so forth. But somehow I always really enjoy the week before the big day. It’s a part of the week where you don’t have to worry about anything else and yet the holidays haven’t really started yet. It’s gone by so fast though. I hate that part lol! There is a certain magic to this time of year and I always miss it when Christmas leaves. It always comes ever year though!
Likewise, I wish everyone a very Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!! I hope you spend some quality time with your family and friends and have lots of fun and holiday cheer. Have a great time! =D
It’s about time I updated! It certainly has been awhile. Schoolwork and real life have kept me busy as of late, but that should be no excuse to forgo my blog. I remember my last post carried such optimism in it. I was feeling hopeful and looking forward to a great year. I don’t know if I feel that way anymore.
Maybe it’s my age, but at the moment I just feel so overwhelmed with life. This has been going on for the last month or so and it’s beginning to take it’s toll on me. I wonder if this is common amongst 21-year-olds; you’re coming to the end of your education, you’re about to embark out into the real world with a real job and real responsibilities, you’re an adult and it’s time to start thinking and acting like one, you’re relationships and the people around you are changing, you’re changing. These are all things I’m experiencing and I’ve heard it’s not uncommon to feel this way at my age. Some of my friends in their own ways are feeling it too. We’ve had a number of discussions in recent months about our lives and futures. And it is nice to know that I’m not alone in experiencing this, but yet everyone does in their own way. Maybe I’m more sensitive to it as that is just my emotional disposition, but for me the sense of overwhelm is quite intense. I don’t feel it everyday, some days I do not acknowledge it at all and I am my normal silly yet serious self. But on the days I do I just feel like breaking down (and sometimes I have) and really have this urge to escape. I’m unsure as to how to make this feeling go away. Perhaps I’m meant to just feel it as sometimes that’s all you can do. But I would like to distract myself from it better so I’m not constantly bringing the people in my life down. I just wish I knew what to do and where to go.
And then comes things with me and Internet Guy. They are still good and we have had some very nice nights together. But as the title probably reveals, I guess you could say we are in love. I don’t know when I felt that depth of feeling exactly, but something made me ask him one weekend, “how do you know when you’re in love?” You see, the night before he was in such a sweet, romantic mood that it surprised me and scared me a little. He kept telling me over and over how beautiful and wonderful I was and how I meant so much to him. He said in an almost urging kind of way. And then the next morning I posed that question to him because I truly wondered if he did love me. That’s when he told me he’d like to reveal his true feelings and that’s when he told me he loved me. I was on air. I felt such relief I had never known before. I didn’t tell him those three words right away, it took me a couple of weeks, but when I did it was like the connection between us solidified. It is definitely not like how it is in the movies, at least not for me. There were no stars and sparks and magic. It was just a depth of feeling that needed release. I think it brought us closer together. We say it more easily to each other now, but of course, over time those feelings of love and affection are meant to grow and for me, they have. I believe they have for him too, just by how he acts at times. They say love is blind and maybe for some people it is. I don’t really feel that way. I don’t feel blinded by him and I know when to come back to myself. Of course, this doesn’t discount the insane urge to be around him all the time. I really feel like I never want to let him go. Over time though, I know the intensity of that will fade and I suppose we’ll just have a more comfortable sort of love. I just feel quite passionate about him and I’m not usually passionate about anything or anyone. Yes, I’m a sensitive person who feels deeply, but passion – the fiery, longing sort – isn’t something I’ve felt before until now. It’s invigorating but at the same time overwhelming. Perhaps this where some of the feelings I mentioned above stem from: all that’s happened between me and Internet Guy since I last wrote.
This is why I question what it means to be in love. For one, I never have before until now so it is still completely new and foreign to me and I don’t know how to navigate it. And two, I feel quite the attachment to Internet Guy but I don’t want to let it wander into neediness. Where is the balance? I care so much for him, but what if it’s too much? What if it’s not enough? How do you know? The problem with me is that I’m so scared of being completely open with people, of being close to them in a best friend sort of way. But with Internet Guy, I didn’t feel that fear so much and so I have been rather open with him and vulnerable around him. I’ve shared with him some of the negativity from my past, confided in him when I felt like an emotional roller coaster during my last time of the month (I have PMS issues). Just last night, I asked him if I could come over to his house for a little while. I just felt like I needed to be with him, needed his company. It was somewhat late and he did have to get up for work in the morning, but I couldn’t ignore what was inside me. I just needed to let it out and he is the one person in real life I feel safe doing that with. I told him about the overwhelming with life feelings and he said he understood and that it’s normal to go through that at my age. It did make me feel loads better because he is an example of someone who experienced it and came out alright. I was (am still) sick too and I just didn’t want to be alone with that either. I just wanted to be with him even though I’d just seen him on the weekend. He’s told me that I can let him know anything and that I always have him to talk to. That brings me some comfort and peace. Perhaps that is why I love him: he simply listens. He doesn’t berate me, he doesn’t ask questions. He just holds me in his arms and listens.
However, I am at the same time afraid I’ve gone too far. I feel like I shouldn’t have been all weepy and sad on the phone those couple of nights when my PMS was horrible. I definitely feel like I shouldn’t have gone over last night and interrupted his night. I feel like there are some things I’ve told him about myself and shown about myself I never should’ve done. I am afraid that he looks at me differently than at the beginning of our relationship. That now that he’s seen the dark side of me, he thinks there’s something wrong with me. I’ve been too vulnerable around him, too sensitive, too insecure. And before too long it’s going to wear him down and poof! our relationship will be history. I know, I know. If I keep thinking this way, it’s just going to be a self-fulfilling prophecy and I will have sabotaged the relationship myself. And I vowed not to let that happen! So for now, I’m just going to back off. I’m going to give him some space and when we do talk to and see each other, I will act like I’m in a normal mood. I’ll put on a happy face. These overwhelming with life feelings are my own and something I need to sort through and deal with. He doesn’t need to be involved in it anymore.
I spoke to him once that I didn’t feel like he didn’t let me in enough. I mean in the sense that he doesn’t talk to me much about negative feelings and experiences. He told me that when he’s with me he just wants to enjoy it, he said he was happy with me and he didn’t want to bring that down. I feel the same when I am with him. And look what I’ve done now. I’ve screwed that up by being my emotional self. They say the tough times bring you closer and that’s true, but after only 4 months of dating, it’s too early to be dealing with negativity in life. He no doubt sees me as a downer now, an unfun person to be around. Maybe that’s why he hasn’t invited me out with his friends (this is another topic I’ll post about later – he only has one friend he sees regularly, like almost every day, and usually it’s just the two of them, but anyway). I mean he says I can go to him whenever I need to and he’s always been there for me, but he must be getting annoyed with that by now.
I feel like I’ve gone haywire. I’m happy and alive one day, and confused and overwhelmed the next. I feel bipolar. I don’t know what’s up with me lately. I’m happy to be in love and to be loved, I couldn’t be more thankful. But I’m afraid and confused about what it means for me and Internet Guy, what it means for my life as a whole. I’m at a loss as to where my life is going. I’m sick of feeling all is right with the world one day and not the next. Maybe I should see a counsellor. Maybe they can help me to focus. Maybe I just need to simply take one day at a time and calm myself down. I need to live. I need to look at the simple things in life again. Spend some fun time with my friends. And try my best not to stress about school work (another reason why I feel overwhelmed, I’m just sick and tired of homework and writing the same kinds of essays over and over again – I have no motivation anymore). I have got to perk up and be positive. I need to be my normal self again. And that’s what I plan on doing. Hopefully Internet Guy will see that positive change in me and it can all work out for the better. I need to just enjoy what I’ve got with him again and stop fretting.
I can’t believe summer is already over! I start school today! While in some ways I’m looking forward to it, at the same time, I’m really going to miss the summer months and the freedom and relaxation they bring. To say it, this summer has probably been the best summer I’ve ever had! I’ve been so busy doing things and getting out there in the world that it’s made me feel pumped up. I quite like that feeling although it does get a little draining at times when you’re constantly on the go. This summer has also made me realize some things, things I need to get away from, things I need to improve upon.
For one, I want to stop being so down about life. Being a pessimist and always viewing the glass as half-empty is like default mode for me, but it’s very exhausting mentally, emotionally, and even physically, to be in that state all the time. I need to be more optimistic. I need to see the positives in life and live them! I know I’ll start feeling better about life’s situations and myself if I can do this. It won’t be easy trying to change my perspective around, but I know it can be accomplished and it’s worth it!
I also want to take more chances, go on adventures, and actually live! I’ve always been an observer, the kind of person who sits back and lets the world pass her by. This has resulted in many missed opportunities and has left me feeling regretful because I didn’t go after them when I had the chance. Social anxiety has kept me from putting myself out there and getting things done that need to be done. I’ve let it run my life and I don’t want to do that anymore. It’s time to break out of my shy shell and start getting to know people more, make new connections, and really just take on any opportunity that comes my way. My boyfriend has, bit by bit, been instilling this desire in me; he lives for random adventures and thinking outside the box. I want to be more like that, I want to feel free and open. I don’t want to hold back so much. Life doesn’t come to those who wait, you have to get out there and find it yourself.
And, most of all, I wish to believe in myself. I’ve never had a lot of self-confidence or faith in my abilities. Throughout my life I’ve been bullied and beaten down by peers and people I thought were supposed to be my friends. This made me retreat further into my shell as I didn’t possess the courage to stand up for myself. But no longer! If I am to truly get anywhere in life, I can’t sit back and let people walk all over me. I need to realize my own strength and use it against those who try to take advantage of me. I want to be assertive, not passive. And I can only do this if I have faith in myself and understand that no matter what happens, I can trust myself and know that in the end everything will be ok. I need to be my own best friend and be assured in my own capabilities. There is no point in caring what people think of me so much anymore.
As far as things with me and Internet Guy go, they are as good as ever! We’ve had many magical moments together; walking hand in hand under the stars, making dinners together, going to the beach, spending some time with my family and friends (and his too!), and really just enjoying each other’s company. I feel more settled with him now, like our relationship is more stable. At the beginning, I was unsure of where things were headed, if we were going to last, but now I can see a future ahead for us and that’s a really great thing! I envision us being together for some time to come and forgoing any major dilemmas, I don’t think there’s anything that will stand in the way of that. We’ve come to develop little jokes and mannerisms that are just between us, we’ve written each other beautiful poetry, we laugh, have fun, and act very silly but at the same time we have our serious moments too. We talk about deep issues but still manage to be kids at heart! We haven’t had a real heated arguement yet and I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing (I know conflict is supposed to make you stronger and bring you closer together), but I prefer it that way. I hate confrontation and am not fond of being angry or seeing others in such a state. Me and Internet Guy discuss things and try to find a solution that works for both of us. We communicate and compromise. I’m glad neither of us are prone to anger lol. I can’t believe me and him have been dating for almost 3 months either! It’s amazing how fast time goes, and this time I don’t feel like my relationship is fading away :).
I am thinking about changing the title of this blog and writing about topics beyond relationships and romance. I will still post about those subjects, but I want to express some other thoughts and ideas about life and see where they take me. I think it’s time to broaden my horizons and explore what else is out there. I still have no idea what title I could give this blog though, so if anyone has any ideas, feel free to provide!
Life is full of ups and downs, isn’t it? Today came with a serving of both.
Good: I went out for a really nice dinner with the instructors and fellow volunteers of the art camp I’ve been helping out at this summer. The director of the program paid for all of us and that was really, really nice of her. We had home-cooked Italian food at this cute little restaurant in the next town over and it was delicious! The place felt so homey and relaxing and I am definitely going back there again someday. Conversation with them was nice and fun as always. I don’t talk as much as I should and it’s not like they are my friends or anything really, but I am glad for the fact that they thought to include me in these plans and want to tell me things. Friday afternoon will be my last day volunteering there and I will be saddened to leave; I will dearly miss the kids, especially one boy in particular. He has developmental disabilities and so doesn’t always act socially appropriate, but he grows on you and he’s got a witty sense of humour to match the best of them. After the dinner we went to a store and bought him some age-appropriate shirts (he’s 14 and wears shirts with words on them and logos meant for 10-year-olds) and I pitched in some money too. It’s something small to give him, to help him feel more confident and sure of himself considering his difficult family situation and upbringing. I really feel for that kid and will miss him.
And then, unexpectedly, when I got home I heard a little party going on at my neighbour’s house next door. My mom apparently had decided to head over there and joined the parents and other adults for a drink and conversation at a table. My neighbour’s daughter had a keg and about 8 other people there playing flip-cup. So I went over and played one pathetic round because I don’t like beer and then I just chatted with some of the people. It just so happened that a couple of those people were in my grade in high school and I hadn’t really seen them since then. We got to catching up a bit and then it was decided the young people were going to head to a club downtown. I was hesitant to go at first but one of the guys persuaded me into it. We didn’t stay at the club for more than an hour because one of the neighbour’s daughter’s friends got sick, but it turned out to be a fun night! I danced somewhat (and I am by no means a dancer and don’t particularly enjoy it lol) and the guy who I knew from high school kept guard for me from any random guys trying to dance with me. He was always such a nice guy and the kind of person who would be there for you in an instant, even if you were a stranger to him. He went to my elementary school for a couple of years as well and in grade 8 I heard he liked me, but I’m not sure if that was ever true. When I found that out I gave him the cold shoulder. I was already depressed and lost inside my mind at that time that I didn’t register it properly, turning away someone who was really only trying to be my friend. But seeing him tonight after roughly 3 years was like no time had passed at all! He was as friendly as ever and we had a great time! I do wonder sometimes though what things would’ve been like had I accepted his friendship way back when we were 13.
Bad: My cat seems to have run away. When I got home from the club, I found my mom doubled over in tears saying that he had escaped out the back door and was gone. He’s the kind of cat who wasn’t allowed outside for that very reason and any time that back door was left unlocked, he’d open it and try to get out. Well, it seems my mom forgot to lock it and the cat slid it open and left. She went searching about the entire backyard to find him but to no avail. I hope he is the sort of cat who will remember home and come back to it and that hope is alive in me right now. It doesn’t seem like he has truly disappeared. I guess all that can be done is to wait and see if he returns or else look for him in daylight. I love my kitty and I just hope that he is safe, if nothing else.
The other bad thing, the worse thing, is that my grandma is very sick. She has untreated cancer and serious mental issues that have left her bedridden and refusing to go to the hospital for treatment. It is too late for her in regards to that now. There are personal support workers who come in to look after her, but that’s about all the “treatment” she gets. It’s taken a toll on my mom, her brother and sister, and my especially my papa. They have to deal with everything and the stress of seeing her like that and not being able to do anything to help. I don’t even know what I can do to help because there isn’t anything to do. So I just feel bad and useless. I guess all I can do is see her while she is still here, even if she doesn’t really register that I am there. What are grandchildren supposed to do in such a situation?
Those are the twists and turns of my life as of late. I felt it was about time to put some other thoughts and feelings besides those concerning relationships into words. Writing helps clarify things for me, it helps me sort things out. My relationship with Internet Guy though is as good as ever and I feel like we are becoming closer the more we see each other. That is rather scary for me and there is a certain realization that has come with it, but I will save that for another post, a post that will be up very soon. For now, I guess all I can do is push on and keep moving forward no matter what. I will try not to dwell on the bad and indulge my pessimism. I will instead try to enjoy the good things that do come my way and deal with the bad things as they come. Life is full of ups and downs.
How can you feel two things at once? What about a million things? How can you be going backwards and forwards at the same time?
My life is changing and I’m not sure I can keep up.
Things with me and the boyfriend have been going really well lately. The times we’ve spent together have been wonderful, almost magical even, kind of like a dream. We’ve been dating a little over a month now and I still couldn’t be happier. That sense of peace and ease I feel with him I think is starting to transfer into other parts of my life now that it’s finally settled in that my relationship with him is a reality. Like for instance, I’m not particularly fond of my summer job as a store clerk (my boss is lazy and annoying, the tasks are repetitive and time-consuming not to mention draining because there are so many, and customer service isn’t something I enjoy) but this morning when I went into work, I just felt ok there, like it was nice to be there and see the morning light and greet the people stopping by. I’ve never felt that there before. Usually I’m dead on my feet and towards the end of my shift less friendly to the customers. But today, that didn’t really happen. I feel like after everything with Internet Guy so far, I shouldn’t sweat the small stuff so much.
Our relationship is progressing and it’s getting deeper and more meaningful each time I see him. We’ve stargazed under the heavens, taken moonlit walks, eaten dinner by candlelight. It’s all been very romantic. And with it brings feelings I’ve never felt before. Feelings of “falling”, wonderment, connection, and others I can’t even describe. Then there is the physical aspect. I feel strangely comfortable with him and the sexual acts we’ve engaged in thus far I’ve been completely ready for, just like that! It still takes me time to ease into them, but they are good and I don’t freeze up and want to turn away like I did with my ex. Again, if we are moving onto something more, he asks if it’s ok if he does this or that and understands if there’s something I’m not quite ready for just yet. Emotionally, things are moving along too. I feel like we’ve gotten closer, more connected. He’s said he cares a lot about me and is lucky to have me as a girlfriend. I’ve told him he means a lot to me and that I’m grateful to have found someone like him. I think, given enough time, love could very well come into the picture. I’ve never loved anyone before and it’s a scary thing to dive into, but I’ll save that for another post. Last night when he came to my house, I broke down in front of him – all these feelings just came rushing out and I couldn’t hold it in anymore. And he didn’t turn away. He didn’t ask me what was wrong with me. He simply said that it’s ok to cry and to not be ashamed of showing tears. I’m a sensitive person (maybe overly so) and that just made me tear up more! It was so sweet and he said that if I ever needed to talk about anything or just needed a shoulder to cry on, he’d be there. I can’t say there are very many people in my life who have done that for me, at least not without asking for something in return. It was just so pure. I couldn’t ask for anything more. The reason I was so emotional wasn’t because I was sad or anything, but overwhelmed. I’ve been feeling all these new feelings, am being with someone in a way I’ve never been with anyone before, and doing and saying things I’ve never felt comfortable doing and saying with anyone. My relationship is moving forward, it has a direction, I can see a future up ahead, a future where we are a serious couple. And it’s all so wonderful and scary and unknown that I don’t really know to do except take a leap and see what happens.
On the other end though, those old fears and insecurities still plague me. Such as the one of what if he loses interest in me and decides to leave. Or that he will think something is wrong with me if I reveal certain things about myself and my life. Or that I’m simply just not good enough. I know I shouldn’t think like that and I know that the more I entertain those thoughts, the more of a self-fulfilling prophecy they will become and then I will end up sabotaging/ruining our relationship. It’s really hard for me to kick those thoughts out of my head, though I’m really trying this time. I’ve got to focus on the good and what’s happening right now, not what ifs that may or may not ever happen. If he can look past my insecurities, then that’s a wonderful thing. Maybe with him by my side I can grow and change and learn to accept myself better than I could’ve on my own. I was trying to do it alone but I wasn’t getting very far. It’s a slow process no doubt, but maybe over time I really can become a better, more confident person. It’s just now, I hope I have some help.
It’s strange to feel like I’m behind but yet going somewhere at the same time. I’m stuck in a rut with so many things in my life; the same old problems never change or go away, they follow me everywhere. My social anxiety. My lack of passion for anything (I have interests but nothing I can say I’ve put my whole heart into and developed a skill out of). My non-existent life skills. My passivity and absent-mindedness. My uncertainty over my career path and whether I’d be good at it. The hypocrisy and difficulties with my boss that I’m encountering at my summer job as a store clerk. The family issues that surround me. I’m behind and I’ve got so damn far to go, so much I need to do and see before I can really say I’m “something”. Simultaneously though, other parts of my life are changing and slowly coming together, at least for the time being: my friendships generally are pretty solid, I’ve got a wonderful boyfriend who has been teaching me to see life from different angles and perspectives, I’m becoming more comfortable with my body. I’m being pushed and pulled in two different directions, not sure what to focus on, which path to walk down. It is very overwhelming! And confusing, and great, and I’m everywhere and nowhere all at once!
I’ve never felt like this before but I hope to goodness it settles down soon. I need some peace, quiet, and relaxation. And some security about my life.
It’s official.
Me and Internet Guy are officially dating now as boyfriend/girlfriend. And of course I couldn’t be happier!!! We established this about a week and a half ago with me asking, “do you want to make it official?” and him saying, “alright then, you’re my girlfriend” and I said, “you’re my boyfriend”. Sure, that wasn’t all mushy and romantic, but it was perfect. And since then, well, I guess you could say things have been moving forward and I truly hope they continue down that path. It hasn’t been very long since we’ve started dating but yet it feels like I’ve been with him for awhile. It’s a funny feeling, but a good one too.
And with this revelation has followed a jumble of emotions. Happiness. Calm. Peace. Giddiness. Enthusiasm. Confusion. Fear. Uncertainty. Feelings I can’t even describe. It’s all been amazing really. Messing with my head a bit. Can’t focus on anything else. Tuning out the world around me. It’s like I’m inside this bubble and nothing from the outside world can reach me or find its way in. I already entertain the fantasies inside my head enough as it is, but this one just so happens to be real. I’ve felt weak in the knees. Nausea. Fluttering heartbeat. Butterflies. Insomnia. The physical side effects of liking someone a great deal. They make me feel “good” and “bad” at the same time. I’ve never felt this way before, never had so much happening all at once. It’s wonderful but also very draining. But I will cherish all of this while it lasts, before I start settling in and becoming comfortable. Though I secretly hope that happens sooner rather than later.
I think I’ve gotten used to the idea that I’m “in a relationship” again. But this time it feels more real, like it actually means something and is truly “there”, than it did with the Chinese boy I dated for such a short time almost 2 years ago now. And that, I think also, is a very good sign. I’ve hung out with Internet Guy a few times since we became official and they’ve all been surreal and wonderful so far. I just feel so much more at ease when I’m with him, like I can be myself and share my thoughts and feelings without fear that he will judge me or think less of me. It’s an amazing feeling to be able to act natural around someone. I always feel like I have to put on a mask, act a certain way, be how people expect me to be – I show these different sides of myself, different versions of who I am to my family, friends, and others I don’t know quite so well. To my family, I’m this serious person who spends way too much of her time alone and one who is also lazy (cleaning isn’t exactly a hobby of mine lol) and perhaps a bit too anxious about things for her own good. To my friends, I am goofy and cute, never straightforward or particularly down-to-earth, always spinning my opinions and experiences in such a way as to make them laugh and leaving them wanting to know more. And to other people, I don’t always know how I come across; to some it’s shy, quiet, and reserved, to others it’s awkward but sweet and nice, and to others still it’s one who doesn’t know how to do anything, or at least not “properly”. But to Internet Guy, I feel like the things that really define “me” come out: my appreciation for simplicity, my contemplative nature (my “deepness” if you will), my sense of wonder about history, my lack of love for our modern Western society, my understanding of the world. My maturity. I can’t say I’ve ever felt quite so free around someone before. I used to wish that I would meet someone I could be completely myself with and maybe, just maybe, I’ve finally met him. Of course that isn’t too say I’m not still hesitant about revealing what lies inside my soul. I’m still very nervous and careful about what I decide to tell him. But those defenses are slowly eroding and given time and trust, I may be able to truly be “me” around him without any facades.
It also helps that he is patient and understanding too. He doesn’t force me to do anything I don’t want to do, anything that I’m uncomfortable with. Both emotionally and physically. And I couldn’t be more grateful for that. He says that it’s ok, that it takes time and that’s fine, that even he isn’t ready for everything yet. He always asks me if it’s ok if he can do this or if we can do that. He told me that I was beautiful and that I was special to him. All I could say was “thank you” but I wonder if he knows how deep that goes, how much it means to me. One day I will tell him. He smells like the earth. I could lie in his arms forever. He lives in a place that couldn’t be anything less than a dream. He is like the shooting star in the sky that has finally found its way to me. And I can’t believe that it is real.
This might sound a little odd, but I haven’t been dying to go off and tell everyone my news, to share with them all the details of our time spent together. I haven’t been hyper and jumping up and down for joy. That isn’t really me. Happiness and joy seep inside me, make me feel calm and at ease, like nothing can go wrong. And there are some things I like to keep to myself, some details the world isn’t meant to know. Of course I got all excited and told my friends the news and whatnot and they’ve all expressed their happiness for me and how cute my new relationship is. I couldn’t be more grateful for their support and interest in this new part of my life. My life is usually uneventful so I’m not surprised they keep pressing at me to tell them what’s gone on between me and Internet Guy. They want to know every little thing! And while that can be slightly irritating, I’m happy inside that they want to know more about the goings-on in my life and didn’t just give me the reaction of “oh, that’s cool” and moved onto something else. I’ve never been much good for giving details, but there’s always a time to start!
All in all, I still can’t quite believe that I’m with someone again! I always figured I’d be in the single boat for a long time to come, that I wouldn’t meet anyone til I was older, if ever at all. But I guess sometimes the unexpected happens and a guy comes into your life when you aren’t even looking or waiting for him. And part of that too is being open to it. It just happens. I wish I had the answers as to how, but I do not. In any event, I hope things continue to progress with me and Internet Guy and that I don’t find some way of sabotaging the relationship or something stupid like that. Actually, I shouldn’t think like that period. I couldn’t ask for more than what I’ve found. And wherever “somewhere” is, I hope we keep heading in that direction.
I am ready.
So, I have met up with the guy from the internet twice since I last wrote.
The second time we took a nice walk down in the little downtown area of the city where I stay for school and had a drink at a pub (which he payed for by the way). We talked the entire time, just about life and everything in between. We even passed an archway that served as the gateway to someone’s house and I noticed pretty pink roses hanging on it. He asked me if I’d like one and then he proceeded to pick it for me. I thought that was very sweet. Then we went back to my house, made some tea, and just sat around in my living room talking even more. The time went by so fast then and I didn’t want it to end! But end it did and we planned for next week (this week) to see each other again.
This third time however, it was more like an official date. He told me while were planning out the details on MSN that he’d like to take me out to dinner and we could hang out and do whatever afterwards. And so, the night came and we went to a Thai restaurant which was actually really good! I’d never really had much of that kind of food before, and while it’s similar to Chinese, its got its own interesting and unique flavours too. Their fried chicken rice is soo much better than Chinese, or at least that’s what I’ve found so far. Then we came back to my house (the one I stay in for school which, luckily, I was alone in) and headed out for a walk around the suburban area I live in. Along the way, he asked me what I thought of holding hands and I said I liked it, and then he entwined his hand with mine. It made my heart jump about 10 feet in the air! We stopped by the lakefront area and walked along the dock for a bit, talking and holding hands. It was really nice. Once we arrived back at my house again, we proceeded to make a dessert for ourselves, one comprised of chocolate pudding, home-made whip cream, and strawberries. It was soooo good!! How can something so simple taste so wonderful?? It’s easy to make too; you just simply put all those ingredients together in a bowl. Internet Guy likes to bake and cook and so I thought it was especially neat that we’d got to make our own dessert.
Then the moment I was waiting for came. It’s something I’ve dreamt about and thought of from time to time ever since I broke up with the Chinese boy I dated for 3 months nearly 2 years ago. I’ve always loved cuddling, just simply being in someone’s arms, content with the world, at ease. It brings on such wonderful feelings, like nothing can go wrong in the world, like everything is how it’s supposed to be. I always wanted to do it again, ached to do it again. But of course in all that time, there wasn’t anyone to do it with. Which of us doesn’t, hasn’t longed to feel like that with someone, to simply just be with someone? It’s the most pure thing in a relationship and something which should never, ever be taken for granted. With the Chinese boy, time spent close to each other was always interrupted in some way – he’d get fidgety, he’d want to do something else, he’d head in for the sexual before I could really get myself comfortable. But with Internet Guy…it started as sitting on the floor in my living room (I have no furniture in there save two foot stools as my mom has yet to buy anything for the house) and we just moved closer and closer until we were holding hands, and then he put his arm around me, and so it was. We sat like that for awhile, in a peaceful silence. It’s not necessary to always fill up the air with talk. Then he asked if he could give me a good night kiss to which I agreed. I’m not as nervous and jumpy about that sort of physical affection as I once was so I was completely ready. It turned into a little more than a little kiss, but not quite full on making out. We lay back comfortably in one another’s arms once more, talking every now and then, until it was time for him to leave. Somewhere in amongst all of that, we discussed the idea of becoming boyfriend and girlfriend. He said he liked me and was ready for that if I wanted to go into it. I told him I liked him back and said I’d like that, but let’s wait a little before it becomes “official”. I still need to sort through my own feelings, figure out what this all means, and go from there. I want to see if things can work between us in that way, to see where they might lead. If anything, the next time we see each other, which should be quite soon, I think will be the time when I can say it is “official”. I just need a chance to let it all sink in before I rush off telling the people in my life and I need to see and feel once more what it’s like to be in a relationship. This kind of thing is definitely not easy for me and it is water I have never really tread before. Again, the old worry lingers: I don’t know how to be in a relationship. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do, what I’m supposed to say. Is it just a matter of figuring all that out? But I’m afraid of doing and saying the wrong thing.
I am happy. I’ve been on air the last couple days after seeing him, singing songs, feeling giddy, you know the whole works. It’s wonderful really! But at the same time, there is this sense of dread and all these “what ifs” playing through my mind. What if this happens? What if that doesn’t? What if things don’t work out? What if he loses interest out of the blue? What if he realizes things about me and doesn’t want to face them or doesn’t like them? I know I shouldn’t think that way, but I am a pessimist at heart, as much as I’ve been trying not to be lately. I don’t want to ruin a good thing before it’s even had a chance to start. I should just let it be, go with the flow, see how things go. And that is what I plan on doing.
And so, I am glad I met him, that I’ve been given the chance for a relationship to flourish again. I couldn’t be more grateful! Indeed, I do like Internet Guy much more than I ever liked Chinese Boy which is also a very good thing if things are to go anywhere! Who knew that just by responding to a random ad online that I would find someone so wonderful? I am lucky and I hope it continues for a long time to come. Again, we’ll see what happens!
So, where has life taken me in the last month or so since I’ve updated?
I now have a job as a clerk/cashier at a convenience store part-time and so far it’s been going really well. The job is more low key than ones I’ve had in the past and I get to work on my own too which is nice. The pace suits me well and while there are some tedious tasks to do before closing, it otherwise isn’t a bad job to have for the summer. I just wish I had more hours but my manager specifically only wanted someone for part-time. I was going to start a camp counseling job in July, doing arts and crafts with children, but unfortunately that isn’t happening anymore. The program got cancelled due to low registration from kids. I guess the company that runs the camp isn’t doing well this year as I found out they cancelled a tutoring program as well for the same reason. I am disappointed that this happened as it would’ve been great teaching-related experience, but there isn’t much I can do. I will, however, try to find some volunteer opportunities with children, that will fill up my spare time this summer when I’m not working and should be lots of fun too!
In other news, I finally met the guy I’ve been talking to on the internet for the past months! He is everything I hoped he would be – nice, caring, honest, goofy sense of humour, sharing similar interests and values. He has an interesting look to him too which really makes him stand out, but in a good way. His hair is actually multi-coloured naturally! It’s brown, blonde, and red all in one! I don’t know how that happens, but it looks really neat. He has an awkward smile with big teeth, but as they say, nobody’s perfect. Plus, I think I find his smile endearing. We met at the park where there’s a lake near my house and just biked and walked around there and the surrounding suburban area, talking about life and other things. Then we went back to my house and ate strawberries with chocolate. Can you say yum?? Our conversation was always good, and if it lulled, the silence was never awkward or strange. He is introverted, much like I am, and I think that could allow us to fit well together should we end up dating. We really are just friends or at least in the “hanging out” stage, though mentions of dates and romantic interest have sparked up in our conversations before. I think it’s better to be friends first, to take things slow and see where they go, to decide if we really like each other in “that way” or not. I think I may like him romantically, it definitely sparked for me when I met than when I had just been talking to him on MSN. As for him, it’s hard to say. I get the feeling he may, but at the same time, I’m not sure and maybe he’s not really sure of his feelings for me. I guess only time spent together in person will eventually reveal what lies in his heart. I’m at a loss as to how these things are supposed to go, my inexperience with guys isn’t helping here, but I know I will find my way. He hasn’t really dated much either so maybe he’s just as nervous and unsure as I am. All I can say is, we`ll see what happens and hopefully something of a romantic nature does develop between us. To note though, nothing physical happened either.
I did once mention Shy Guy, the one my friend “set“ me up with. I never did go on a date with him. I just didn`t feel a desire to and while he was nice and cute in his own way, I just didn`t feel interested in him particularly. To my knowledge, he has now found himself a lesbian girl to crush on and this girl is toying with him apparently as well.
What I do need to do ultimately though, is find myself a hobby to engage in over the summer. It will keep boredom from seeping into my soul. I have plenty of solitary, rather passive interests like reading and writing and surfing the internet, but I need something active, something maybe I can do with other people. I do exercise, but again it`s something I do alone. I do a lot of things on my own. Most of my time is spent well, with myself. Maybe I could take a class, try out meetup.com, anything where I`d be around other people. I need to put myself out there more, make connections with others, make new friends. It definitely helps with the whole job networking thing, something which I don`t really do and am not very good at. School is over and I need to keep myself busy and occupied and be around people sometimes so I don`t develop cabin fever from staying in my house too long!
Soo, what have I been doing with my 2 weeks of vacation before I start my spring course at school? Instead of relaxing and enjoying myself, I’ve been looking for a job. And let me tell you, I’m no closer to getting one than I was before I even started searching for one. I’ve only really been job hunting for a month due to the hecticness of schoolwork bogging me down before, but the last couple of weeks I’ve been throwing my resume here, there and everywhere, writing a million cover letters, and have had a couple of interviews that lead to nothing. It gets disheartening when you’re basically the only one you know who doesn’t have a job lined up for the summer.
And what’s even worse is that I can’t even get a job in my field of study. I want to be a teacher so you think it would be easier to land work as a camp counsellor, tutor, or childcare provider than it is to find a job in a field that has fewer and more-experience-and-skills-required opportunities for students, but nonetheless I haven’t been able to get any of those kinds of jobs or even an interview! I only had one to be a tutor but that tanked and it was job I wanted too. Sighh. I’ll just keep looking for them as they come up but that’s becoming fewer and fewer as most day camps have already completed their hiring and without my own transportation, I cannot really get to the far-away places where lots of childcare jobs are. I will probably rely on volunteering with children this summer, but I would still like actual paid experience in this field.
I’ve expanded my job search to retail and found places that were hiring, but still nothing. Maybe I’m getting too ahead of myself and expecting a response sooner than employers have time to make them. I think I’m doing everything right; I’ve fixed up my resume, send cover letters if I need to, am starting to follow-up on opportunities, and am even trying to network (not that I have one), but I don’t know, it still just feels so defeating when it seems like everyone else can just get a job like that! I guess all I can really do is wait, keep looking, try not to get discouraged, and hope someone will hire a student for the summer. Job hunting is draining and people should be paid for it lol! I’ve also really got to work on my interview skills (which has cost me a job more than once) and try to beat down the nerves when it comes to them, but first I need calls for them.
Alright, enough of my complaining. Most else in my life is pretty ok (save for family issues which are also stressing me out but I won’t get into right now) and I need to keep my head up high, be confident, and think of all the good things in my life and be grateful for them. I have friends, am likely to meet Online Guy in May, my health is in shape, my grades are good, am feeling better lately as I’ve gotten into an exercise and eating right routine, and I’ve got the usual roof over my head and food on my table. Wow, I actually feel better now! And that isn’t being sarcastic.
Life or Something Like It 